Raising Kids: The Importance Of Assertiveness

Many children find themselves at the receiving end of bullies and in other distressing and confusing situations that can erode a fragile and impressionable self-concept. This two-part article highlights the importance of teaching the child to be assertive.

Being bullied can erode your child's fragile and impressionable self-concept

Her teachers, friends and family have always looked upon my eight-year-old daughter, Malvika, as a well-mannered, courteous and affectionate child. Not surprising really, considering that I have assiduously drilled her in the ‘P’s and Q’s’. I was quite content - almost smug – about my parenting prowess until recently, when we relocated and she went to a new school.

We follow a tradition of having a ‘fun lunch box’ on Fridays – a ritual she looks forward to all week. Suddenly, she seemed reluctant to carry goodies and insisted I stick to routine menus. Her reason? “My classmates eat my lunch and I have none left.” Clearly, she was having trouble confronting bullies and in a new set up, she found it even more daunting.

The Power Of No

I realized then that a new word needed to be added to the P’s and Q’s – a simple ‘No’. We discussed this and I told her that all she had to say was, “No. It is my lunch and I want to eat it.”

She was worried. “Will they listen to me?”

I said, “Try it and let’s see.”

She came back ecstatic. “Mom, today I ate my entire lunch.”

Gone was the helpless dejection; instead, I could see a sense of achievement and a feeling of control.

‘No’ is a potent word, and not necessarily negative. In fact, it can ward off the menace of peer pressure, addictions and sexual exploitation. Often, a misled adolescent’s parent is left wondering, “Where did I go wrong? I gave him/her the right values.” Sure, as parents, we instill sound morals. However, as we stress on goodness and co-operation, we inadvertently neglect to teach our children to stand by those same values, even if it means non-conformity.

It would be simplistic to declare that merely teaching your child to say ‘no’ launches him/her as a winner on life’s battlefield. We need to teach our children to be assertive.

What Is Assertiveness?

For most people, there seem to be two behavioral approaches – aggression and acceptance. The more effective option, however, is assertiveness.

There is a vast difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Assertiveness is letting people know your wants and needs; aggressiveness is imposing those wants and needs on others. An aggressive child will try to oust a playmate out of her swing; a passive one will just hope he gets a chance without voicing his desire. An assertive one, on the other hand, would say, “I’d like a turn when you’re done.”

Assertiveness is a socially acceptable alternative to aggression. Children displaying assertiveness engage in purposeful acts to express themselves or to protect their rights while respecting the rights and feelings of others. (Slaby et al, 1995).

According to psychologists, assertive children behave in the following manner:

1) Resist unreasonable demands – “No, I will not give you my eraser. I still need it”

2) Refuse to tolerate aggression – “Stop calling me Squeaky Mouse”/“Do not push”

3) Stand up against unfair treatment – “It’s my turn”/“Please stay in the queue”

4) Accept logical disagreement – “Okay, I see what you mean”

5) Suggest solutions to conflicts – “You can have my crayon in a minute”

Some children are simply born comfortable with saying what they want, while others are inherently more shy or passive. However, you do not want to override natural tendencies by strong-arming a timid youngster into trying out for the lead in a play.

“Trying to force a child into a role that’s not comfortable for her in order to boost her confidence may have the opposite effect,” says Graeme Hanson, M.D., clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of California, San Francisco. It will also make her miserable.

However, the good news is that since assertiveness is a skill, it can be learned. It is an ongoing process and needs to begin somewhere after the first birthday! The next article will cover parenting styles that nurture assertiveness.

Mridula Dixit is a clinical psychologist and currently doing her internship in parenthood.