Being A Dad: Making A Father Out Of Your Husband

Raising children is one of the most rewarding experiences, yet it can also be one of the most difficult and stressful ones. Especially if only one parent is involved. Till a few years back, a society like ours assumed that the mother is solely responsible for the upbringing of a child.

The father, it was further assumed, is somebody who will manage the finances and only spend time with the child if and when convenient. Times have changed, though… a lot of fathers are willing to share child-rearing responsibilities with their better halves.

There is a problem, however – many of them don’t know where to start.

The Root Of The Problem

If you’re a married Indian woman, your husband IS probably accustomed to being the center of your universe. By that coin, he is apt to feel neglected when there’s a child on its way. Women often complain of how they have to handle all the changes involved in approaching parenthood single-handed.

Of course, this is a major transition period for men, as well. Depending on the man’s expectations about becoming a parent, and his self-perception in the father’s role, the transition into parenthood can range from positive anticipation to various degrees of indifference, feelings of inadequacy, resentment and denial.

Most of us grow up in an environment where we see mothers doing most of the caring and nurturing; it naturally follows that we interpret parenting as gender and role specific right from childhood. Often, it is women who have to take on the responsibility of caring for the child – with a tacit message that men are incompetent at parenting.

The result? Men withdraw, or at least have a limited perception of their capabilities in the parenting role. Very often it’s not that the fathers don’t want to – they simply don’t know how to. In such a situation, it would be great if you could get your husband more involved in the day-to-day parenting process.

Here are some tips to involve your husband in the parenting process.

Communicate:

Both parents should be excited about having the child. Communicate and talk honestly about how your life as a couple will change to accommodate the new family member. Women go through many physical, emotional and psychological changes during and after pregnancy. When these changes happen, it is important to communicate to your husband what you are going though and how he can help support you.

Involve Him From The Beginning:

From the day a child is conceived, the woman starts feeling like a mother. In fact, many contemporary mothers-to-be and engage in various prenatal classes.

Include the father in these activities. Ask him to accompany you for doctor appointments. Seeing and feeling the child grow in the mother’s womb forms a strong bond between the child and the father-to-be -  a bond that grows stronger once the child is born.

Treat Him As A Part Of The Production – Not As An Extra:

A mother and father are collectively known as the ‘parents’ unit. Fathers should be made to feel a part of the parenting process and not as an extra resource. In parenting, we often address the mother or the mother/child relationship and then make touch briefly on how the father fits into this, as well. What would YOU expect from such an attitude?

Constructive Criticism:

Nobody likes to be criticized – especially not a man who is trying his best to grow into the part of a father. Don’t dump the child on your husband – he does not know how to deal with a cranky, colicky infant, and therefore does not deserve to be criticized for inefficiency in handling the situation.

Instead, acknowledge and praise him for his efforts and thoughtfulness when he tries, and make gentle suggestions on how he can improve his ‘style’. However, let him experiment and find out his own ways, making the whole experience a journey of discovery. It helps to remember that he cares for the child as much as you do, even if he lacks your skills.

Many fathers are happy to share in the child-rearing process today

Shoulder Responsibilities Equally:

A child is dependent on its parents for all its needs. This includes a number of activities like feeding the child, cleaning the poop, changing the diapers etcetera. Many of these chores can be very stressful and tiring if handled only by the mother.

Share these responsibilities with the father – mutually decide which tasks he is responsible for on a daily basis, and let him handle them independently. For example, if the mother wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the child, the father can help in making the child burp.

School And Home Work:

The father’s active involvement here results in an open and sensitive father-child relationship, which has a positive impact on the child’s growth. Encourage your husband to drop or pick up the child from school, discuss how the day went, attend school events, read and tell bed time stories, watch educational shows on the television – and, most of all, express love and pleasure in being with the child.

Daddy’s Day Out:

Arrange for a particular day in the week (a Sunday?) for the father and child to engage in an interesting and fun-filled activity – outdoor games or just watching a sport, perhaps a visit to the mall, a picnic – anything to ensure that the child spends independent and quality time with the father.

The Father’s Role In Parenting

The role and involvement of fathers is uniquely significant in child development. When fathers assume an actively nurturing role in their child’s life, the process effectively reframes the father’s role from one of peripheral importance to one that is centrally important.

The nurturing father is now moving beyond from being only a disciplinarian to being a full-time, involved parent. A child who has the time and attention of both parents benefits from the secure attachment within those relationships – and turns out to be more responsible, caring and social individual.

Copyright © Varsha Morani

Varsha Morani is a clinical psychologist, certified reiki teacher and a corporate trainer. She has been associated with various educational institutions as well as counselling centres. She can be contacted at varshamorani@gmail.com

Photo credit Carin

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 SEO & More