Good Parenting: Catch Your Kids Being Good

Four-year-old Rhea has been playing quietly with her dolls for almost an hour. Her mother walks in, gets something from the cupboard and walks out. A little while later she hears Rhea shouting. The mother goes into the room, trips over a teddy bear and shouts, “Why are you shouting? And why was your teddy bear near the door? Somebody can fall and get hurt. How much can I do? I just don’t know what to do with you.” Rhea sits with her head down as her mother rants on…

Note that Rhea’s mother didn’t give her any attention until she misbehaved. When children behave well, we either praise them with words like ‘good’ or ‘very good’ or ignore them. However, when they do something wrong, we let fly.

In fact, one of the main reasons that kids misbehave and throw tantrums is to get attention. Children crave attention, whether it is positive or negative. The kind of behavior that gets them the attention they want is the kind parents will get the most of.

Avoid Discouraging Your Child

To effectively encourage children to express good or desirable behavior, we must first stop ourselves from discouraging them. Many parents feel that pointing out mistakes and criticizing children will help them to perform and behave acceptably.

However, excessive criticism demotivates a child and lowers self-esteem. It says to them, “You always do everything wrong. You are not good enough and never will be.” Every parenting situation brings with it an opportunity to either encourage or discourage our children.

You discourage when you focus on your child’s mistakes, criticize, humiliate, nag, use sarcasm, shout or punish the child

You encourage when you focus on good behavior and appreciate your child with words of encouragement.

You discourage when you spoil the child and do things for him that he is capable of doing for himself.

You encourage when you help the child become independent and give her responsibilities that she can handle.

You discourage when you expect perfection at all times and ignore the efforts they make – when you will only appreciate superlative performance.

You encourage when you let the child progress one step at a time and motivate him or her to do better with words of appreciation.

You discourage when you put your child down every time she wants to attempt something new that may be difficult, according to you.

You encourage when you appreciate your child’s keenness to try new things and support her in her endeavors.

Children crave attention, whether it is positive or negative

Praise And Encouragement

Here’s the difference between praise and encouragement!

•    The dictionary defines praise as ‘words that express great approval or admiration’, and encouragement as ‘support of a kind that inspires confidence and a will to continue or develop’.

•    Praise is external and approval-based. Encouragement motivates children to want to do better for themselves, stimulating internal growth.

•    Encouragement helps children to value themselves and increases their belief in their abilities. They realize that although they may not be perfect, their efforts have been noticed. This makes them feel good about themselves and they strive to achieve more.

How To Encourage Children

•    Describe What You See. Though nice, merely using adjectives like ‘good’, ‘beautiful’, ‘terrific’, does nothing to motivate the child to do better. However, when used along with a description, they become effective – “The red and pink combination you have used for the picture looks wonderful” or “You have put your shoes in the shoe rack. That’s such a responsible thing to do.” These responses say to the child, “You are important to me. I have time to notice what you do. I appreciate you for who you are.”

•    Be Honest. Look for things that you genuinely like while encouraging your child. For example, your child has written an essay which may not have a great vocabulary. Nevertheless, appreciate the ideas or the neat handwriting used, or just the attempt at a solo effort. Find something that you can sincerely appreciate.

•    Be Specific. Generic statements like, “You are the neatest girl in the world,” or “There is nobody as polite as you” are empty. They may also put undue pressure on the child and foster lack of belief in you. Instead, focus specifically on the situation or behaviour – “Your books are all picked up and put on the book shelf. Your room is looking so neat,” or “You were so well mannered at the lunch party today. You sat in one place and ate your food or you greeted everyone politely.”

•    Do It Out Of Love. Encouraging your child displays your love for him or her. Don’t expect something in return for the encouragement – do it to boost your child’s self esteem and to encourage self-esteem.

The most important thing is to look for the strengths and focus on them. Catch them being good!!

Rupal Jasraj Patel is Child Psychologist & Parent Counsellor who conducts parenting workshops, seminars and e-classes. Visit her website: www.onlyparenting.com and contact her at info@onlyparenting.com

This article may be reprinted with proper attribution to the author and a link back to http://www.lovingyourchild.com

Photo credit arsel