Social Development Of Children: Your Role As A Parent

• Arnav comes home in tears. Parth snatched his teddy, hit him and told Aarav, Yukti and Tina not to play with him. His mom rushes to hug him and tells him they are mean kids. Inside, she seethes with anger.
• Henna comes home upset. All her close friends have been invited to Reshma’s sleepover party – except her. Her mother tells her there is nothing to be upset about, and that it is probably her own fault. She should make more efforts at being friendly so that she gets more invitations. It is not such a big deal, she says. There will be other opportunities.
• Rohan comes home upset in a rage. Two boys slapped him around and called him names. The mother starts questioning him – why did they do it? Did he hit them first? Who else was present? Did he tell the teacher? How could he allow them to get away with it? Doesn’t he have any self-respect?
• Ruchika comes home despondent. She is hurt that her friends don’t play with her, and that they whisper to each other when she is around. Her mother tells her not to feel sad – if they were true friends, they wouldn’t treat her like that. She tells Ruchika that she should make new friends who value her and realise how special she is.

The above are a few of many possible instances when children may have problems with developing social skills. Sometimes, we don’t even have time to listen to what our children are saying. We may consider what they share with us considering it trivial and of no importance, and don’t pay attention.

When we do listen, we tend to get emotionally entangled in the situation – we start questioning, giving advice and offering solutions. Instead of acknowledging our child’s feelings and helping them learn to deal with these problems, we play the blame-game or set our kids up as victims. So, as parents, what should we do?

Positive Ways To Help Your Child Develop Social Skills

Listen To Your Child

Give your child 100 percent of your attention and maintain eye contact. Just being listened to often helps a child to feel better and find a solution.

Saying something like, “You should not feel like that. She obviously didn’t mean it” or any such form of consolation at this time is not helpful. The child will probably think, “Maybe I should not feel like that, but I still do. You just don’t understand. It’s better I don’t come to you with my problems”.

The result is that communication shuts down. ALWAYS accept what your child is feeling without judgment. Just hearing the child out without jumping in with advice or solutions can help ease the negative feelings and make the child feel better.

Guide Your Child Toward A Solution

Ask your child what options are there for dealing with the problem. Listen to them all and guide your child through each option until he zeroes in on any one. The encourage him to implement it, and let him know that you will support his decision all the way.

Even if you think that it may not be the best decision, allow him to try it out. As long as it is not drastically harmful or dangerous, it will be a great learning experience. Your child will learn the consequences of good or bad decisions – that will help with making bigger decisions in life as he grows older.

Communicate Compassionately

Check a few days later to know how it went. Let your children know that you care about their lives, and that you are always there for them. This time, too, merely listen to what happened. If the decision backfired, don’t nag or lecture the child about it. The consequences are themselves the best possible lesson.

Stay Emotionally Detached

Keep your emotions separate from the situation at hand. Trust that your child has the required courage and resilience to bounce back – children always do.

Get Involved Only If…

• You are asked to – After hearing about a disagreement your child had with another child, avoid jumping to conclusions or attacking your child about not having told you. Maybe he knew how to handle it and didn’t think it was such a big deal. If it was a big deal, then you need to work on the communication gap so that your child feels free to share such problems with you. Either way, lashing out will only make matters worse. Stay out of the problem unless your child comes to you with it.
• It is genuinely required – Your child should be able to deal with minor, essentially non-threatening issues by himself. However, certain situation may have the potential for harm or danger. Get involved at such times – talk directly to the teacher or the parent of the another child if required, and work together to find a solution for all concerned.

Trust In The Power Of Friendship

Friendship, like every other relationship, has its ups and downs. There will always be opportunities to heal the scars and strengthen the friendship again. Let your child experience the good as well as the bad times in friendship.

Trust your child to socialize and develop social skills on his own

Arrange Play Dates With Other Kids

Invite children over to your place. However, first discuss the invitation list with your child, and ensure that it includes children within your child’s comfort zones.

Some children are more comfortable and interactive in smaller settings. They may need more one-to-one time to build friendships, while others prefer larger groups. Know your child’s temperament.

Maintain Contact With Your Child’s Friends’ Parents

Get to know them and make plans with them along with the children. Interacting in a setting that includes parents can sometimes work wonders for introverted children. Maintaining a friendship with these parents also gives you a better perspective when your child gets entangled in a disagreement with another child.

Value Friendships Over Popularity

Your child may not be the most popular one in class. She may prefer one close friendship against having a whole group of friends. She may prefer non-popular children to the popular ones.

Let your child grow at her pace and according to her temperament. Leaders and followers keep changing through the growing-up years, but friendships are there to stay. The best you can do is give your child high self-esteem to help her grow to be her own person

Don’t Allow Your Childhood To Take Over

Keep your past out of the present. Sometimes, we get emotionally involved because our own childhood creeps up on us. We think and react from the times we were bullied, neglected or left out – such suppressed feelings often return with a vengeance.

At such times, we want to show the world that we will not allow our child to be mistreated in any way. We are completely oblivious to the part our child may have played in the whole thing, and the fact that the other person involved is also a child undergoing the same stages of development and growth as our child.

Do not automatically equate what your children experience with what you have yourself experienced in childhood. There may be similarities, but you are still different individuals.

The instinct to protect our children is natural, but overprotecting them does more harm than good. Allow your children to deal with their own problems and come up with solutions. This will make them stronger as people, and will give them great lessons in problem solving and decision-making.

Listening from your heart, acknowledging emotions and accepting feelings is the biggest support you can give your child. Social lives have their ups and downs. Experience is the best teacher, but a secure home and supportive parents will always be the most dependable shelter from the storm for your child.

Copyright © Rupal Patel

Rupal Patel is a Child Psychologist & Parent Counselor who conducts parenting workshops, seminars and e-classes. Visit her website: www.onlyparenting.com and contact her at info@onlyparenting.com

This article may be reprinted with proper credit to the author and a link back to http://www.lovingyourchild.com

Photo credit BreAnn