Communicating With Preteens: Learn The Language Of Transition

The preteen period is a very significant one in any child’s life. Kids are no longer totally dependent on their parents, but nevertheless not independent enough tackle the world of teens.

At this age, the non-stop chatter suddenly gives way to mumbling, gestures and one-word replies. Parents are left wondering what has happened to their chatterbox and often feel frustrated and helpless.

•   ”I am talking to you, not to a brick wall.”
•   ”How many times do I need to tell you to keep the volume down?”
•   ”Why haven’t you finished your work? It’s so late.”
•   ”Why don’t you ever listen when I talk to you?”

Take heart – they are not doing this to harass you but can actually not hear you. Sometimes, they are totally lost in their own world – at other times, they genuinely don’t know what to say. And at yet other times, parents’ lack of communication skills block any possibility of conversation. However, there is still hope.

The rule of thumb for preteens is this- use your two ears and one mouth in proper proportion. In other words, listen twice as much as you talk with this age group. That is the best way to get them to talk and listen to you.

Listening To Your Preteen Child

Accept and understand the feelings behind your preteen’s words- this is the most important part of communication. To do that, one has to not only keep one’s ears open, but one’s eyes and heart too.

Give them 100% of your attention. Maintain eye contact. Listen to them – do not just hear the words. Hearing but not listening to them is as good as ignoring them.

Do you recall times when the child was talking but your mind was on your work, what’s happening in the kitchen or on a book or newspaper? Or you were distracted by the television, telephone or computer?

Such times leave a preteen with the idea that they may as well be a fly on the wall. If they did the same to you, it would amount to disrespect, ignoring, disobedience and ill-mannered behavior.

Listen entirely to what the child is saying, without interrupting. Don’t jump in with suggestions or advice. Just listening completely and accepting feelings is enough, and the child will be more likely to come and share things with you.

When a child has a problem, this method will also help her to resolve it on her own. When she is not able to solve the problem on her own, guide her towards a solution. Ask her what options she has for the solutions and guide her through each one. Allow her to choose the best option and make her decision. Be a guide through it all, not a lecturer. Preteens and teens hate lectures.

A Few Golden Rules For Communicating With Your Preteen

• Don’t Criticise - Criticism not only lowers a child’s self esteem, it also shuts the doors of communication. Hand-in-hand with criticism are sarcasm, moralising, lecturing, belittling their words or problems and making them feel that it is no big deal. Also, avoid over-reacting when they tell you something you may not agree with. All these build a wall and block communication. Instead, follow the steps for listening.

• No Labels - Good or bad, labels never work well. For example, labeling a child ‘bad’ causes them to behave more in that manner. “If my parent thinks I am bad, I must be. I may as well prove them right.” Labeling them ‘good’ can have equally drastic consequences – the child feels pressured to perform well and may cease to be his true self, or even avoid attempting new things for fear of failure.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions - Have conversations with open-ended questions – the kind that warrant more than a one-word reply. For example, a close-ended question like “Did you have a nice day at school” would get you a yes/no answer. Instead, ask ” What was the most enjoyable part about school today?” It has to be something specific that would make the child elaborate on the answer.

• Give Respect - Respect is a two-way street. To get it, we have to give it. Respect in the way we talk and listen to our children – and especially preteens – is extremely important.

"Why don't you ever listen when I talk to you?"

• Seize Teachable Moments - But avoid lectures. Find these moments watching a film, reading an article or observing something in everyday life. For example, a movie like Iqbal is about striving against odds to achieve one’s dreams – giving your views on such a movie and listening to your child’s views is more likely to get the message across rather than a lecture on the same topic.

• Give Space - Let preteens have their space. They are going through a lot of growth, physically, emotionally and mentally – be there to support them, but don’t push them.

• Have One-To-One Conversations - In families with younger children, most of the conversation, say around the dinner table, will be dominated by them. Make the time to have a one-to-one conversation with your preteen. A little more effort may be required if your child is an introvert by nature.

• Learn Something From Them – Ask them to tell you about something in their area of expertise – learn a video game and play it with them, or ask about the latest music, or any other common area of interest that you both may have. Teaching you something or giving you information that you are unaware of will make them feel good about themselves and boost their self-esteem.

• Start Having Important Talks - If your preteen doesn’t ever ask you about important topics like puberty, sex, smoking, alcohol, etc. – take the initiative. It is very important to start talking to your child about these things before they have to go through them. Such conversations in the preteen years makes these issues easier to deal with when they turn into teenagers. Most importantly, well-aware children almost always make the right decisions when faced with choices.

• Keep An Open Environment For Communication – Let them know they can always come and talk you at any time and about anything. If you are busy, tell them you will be with them as soon as you finish – and follow through with it.

• Spend Time With Them – Playing games, car journeys and outings are all great opportunities for conversations. When preteens are relaxed and having fun with you, they will open up more and talk more freely.

• Be Patient - Some children may take some time to open up and share, and some others may do it faster. Be patient if your child takes time. It will happen soon enough. Just don’t give up on them – ever.

Remember, keeping communication channels open and building a strong relation with your preteen will get them – and you – through the teenage years with a lot more ease. Build this foundation with a lot of love and care.

Rupal Patel is Child Psychologist & Parent Counsellor who conducts parenting workshops, seminars and e-classes. Visit her website at www.onlyparenting.com and email her at info@onlyparenting.com

This article may be reproduced with the complete author bio and a live link back to http://www.lovingyourchild.com

Additional resources:

Why Do They Act Like That – Proven strategies and techniques for communicating with your child. A guide for parents with teenagers with effective techniques by master practitioners of NLP from around the world.
Free Parent Coaching Audio: Connected Parents, Connected Kids – This audio topic discusses the importance of parents staying connected, and finding ways to check in and figure out what is really important.
No-Nonsense Parenting For Today’s Teenager – How to feel like a good parent even when your teenager hates you. Get your teenager to STOP their abusive or disrespectful behavior.