Good Parenting: How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry

I was a good parent until I had two kids.

“You love her more than you love me.”

“You always blame me. Why don’t you say anything to her?”

Scenes like this are enough to drive any parent crazy. Sibling rivalry is the most widespread in households with many children.

Why does this happen? Experts in the field of child psychology and family dynamics seem to agree that each child’s deep desire for exclusive right to the love of his or her parents is the root of sibling rivalry. Therein is the source of all security, love and warmth the child desires.

The goal of any parent is to have a peaceful environment in the house and to equip children with skills that will shift the responsibility of handling sibling relationships on to the child rather than on the parent. In the process, the parent can take a back seat and let children make the right choices.

Here are some pointers on equipping children with skills that can pave the way for more positive and responsible sibling relationships.

Acknowledge And Validate Your Child’s Feelings

This is not easy, especially when kids are screaming their lungs out. As a parent of siblings, I had several opportunities to practice the above ‘mantra’.

“Send Raeka back. You spend all the time with her and I hate her,” blurted my elder daughter Rasha. Anger welled up in me and my natural reaction was to say,” I don’t want to hear such words again.”

Instead, I proceeded to acknowledge Rasha’s feelings. “It seems you are angry and you don’t like me spending so much time with your sister”. There was a blessed silence as she observed me watchfully, her features softening. Believe me, it did the trick!

It is important to realize that feelings and emotions are not for locking out. They need to be discussed and treated with respect. Positive feelings will not emerge unless one discusses the negative feeling in a non-threatening environment.

The Feelings Language

The kids felt really excited to learn a new language called the ‘Feelings Language’. It involved the phrases “I feel …..when you …….” They did not miss a single opportunity to show off their newly acquired linguistic skills.

“I feel irritated when you don’t let me play on my own, Raeka”

“I feel so sad when you don’t include me in your games, Rasha”

“I feel very mad when you shout at us, Mama.” (Now, that was the icing on the cake).

Give Your Child Choices

“Mama, Rasha is calling me names.” “Being called a copycat makes you feel angry, right? Why don’t you tell Rasha how you feel or make an angry drawing to express your feelings?”

Giving your child a choice empowers them and entrusts them with the responsibility to come up with a solution. Make sure their options are logical, can be followed through, and are at the child’s level of understanding.

Encourage your kids to resolve their own differences

Say ‘Yes’ To Expressing Feelings – ‘No’ To Inappropriate Behavior

Kids fighting and parents yelling at them is a familiar sight. This strategy works for the moment, but doesn’t give the children the tools to make the right choices or negotiating skills. The parent is treating the symptoms, not the root cause.

‘Normal’ and playful bickering gives kids vital practice at conflict resolution within a home setting – and doesn’t need parent intervention.

However, there may be times when a child’s physical safety is threatened. Instead of relying on traditional intervention methods, HOLD BACK and acknowledge the kids’ anger towards one another.

This is the time to actively listen to your children and assess if it is a genuine problem. Tell your kids as calmly as possible that they are capable of resolving their conflict in a manner agreeable to both.

Avoid Comparisons

Concentrate on behavior rather than making comparisons. To illustrate – “I can see some food has fallen on the carpet,” instead of “Why are you eating like your baby sister?”

“Whom do you love more Raeka or me?” asked Rasha. Her question took me by surprise. It was as if she was testing how well I could use my newly acquired skills.

I was tempted to say, “Of course, I love you both the same.” Instead, I paused and thought of what I could say to make Rasha feel unique – without talking negatively about Raeka. Tough one, to be sure.

“Rasha , I love the way you are so caring , I love the way you hug me when I am sad, I cherish the cards you make for all of us. There is no one like you in this whole wide world and this makes you very special to me”.

Bulls eye! A wide smile stretched from ear to ear. She hugged me and went off saying “I think I will read a book to Raeka.” I think I deserved a pat on my back.

Someone once said, “You’re not a parent till you have more than one child in the house.” Truer words have never been spoken.

This article may be reproduced with the author bio and a link back to http://www.lovingyourchild.com

Additional resources:

The S.T.O.P & T.H.W.A.R.T. Siblings Fighting System – Learn a proven, step-by-step system how to stop your children from bickering, complaining and fighting among themselves. Teach your child to work out their conflicts and disagreements by themselves with minimum intervention.
Sibling Conflict Resolution Process – Parent Coach, Annie Desantis, covers topics such as the importance of listening, tips for re-energizing and de-stressing your family; and creative ways of bringing more harmony and joy into parenting.
Twins Survival Guide – Practical help and advice from a mother of twins for parents expecting or bringing up twin babies.