Parenting Advice: The Consequences Of Authoritarian Parenting

If you guide through anything other than your own example, it crosses over into the category of control. If you say, “This is what I’ve found that works for me, try it if you like.” That’s guidance. If you say, “This is what I’ve found works for me, and if you don’t follow it, you’re in trouble,” that’s control. ~ Abraham

Do you believe that it is your job as a parent to have control over your children? Do you find yourself trying to control your children in the ways your parents tried to control you, or in the ways you learned from siblings, friends or relatives?

Do you hope that through yelling, threatening, shaming, blaming, judging, demanding, spanking, nagging, lecturing, explaining, arguing, and so on, you will get them to do what you want them to do? Is it working?

Most of us do not like to be controlled, and children are no exception. While they may comply in certain areas to avoid punishment, they will likely resist in other areas.

What Are the Negative Consequences to Your Child of Attempting to Control Him or Her?

Your choice to control always has negative consequences for your children. It is important to connect your controlling behavior with the consequences that may result. While controlling might work in the short run, it can create many problems in the long run.

What are the problems you are having?

My child and I get into power struggles.
My child does what I want most of the time but becomes resistant in certain areas.

My child resists:

Taking a bath or shower
Brushing teeth
Going to bed
Doing homework
Getting ready for school
Learning
Going to school
Reading
Keeping his or room clean
Doing chores
Telling the truth
Dressing appropriately for school
Using appropriate language
Looking nice
Being kind and considerate
Being on time
Talking with me
Having my values
Eating well
Caring about his or her health.

Instead, he or she:

Smokes
Drinks alcohol
Smokes pot
Uses drugs
Eats junk

My child does not care about his or her safety. Instead, he or she:

Rides a motorcycle without a helmet
Drinks or uses drugs and drives
Drives recklessly
Has unprotected sex
Walks in dangerous areas
Calling when he or she is going to be late
Caring about what is important to me
Being loving to me
Listening to me
Getting a job

Authoritarian parenting can create rebellious teenagers

My child never does what I ask. He or she is always resistant.
My child suffers from low self-esteem.
My child is depressed.
My child feels unloved.
My child is bossy with other kids.
My child is tense, anxious, angry and/or unhappy.
My child beats up on younger kids.
My child does not take personal responsibility.

What are the Negative Consequences to You of Trying to Control Your Child?

Your controlling behavior may also have negative consequences for you, especially in the long run.

What are the consequences for you?

Parenting is not fun. It feels like a burden.
I feel resentful toward my child.
I am tired of the power struggles.
I feel tense, anxious, angry or frustrated.
I feel like a failure as a parent.
My child and I do not have fun together.
I feel rageful and out of control.
I feel overwhelmed.

Parenting really can become a wonderfully fulfilling experience when you learn to parent as a loving and respectful adult rather than from the fear and insecurity that underlies controlling behavior.

The secret of letting go of controlling parenting is to learn what it means to be kind to yourself. If your focus is on being kind to your children but not to yourself, you will likely become a permissive parent, which has just as many negative consequences as controlling parenting.

When you focus on being kind to yourself, you naturally refuse to tolerate unkind behavior from your children. However, instead of trying to control your children, you learn to take care of yourself.

By learning to take loving action in your own behalf and setting logical consequences for your child’s unacceptable behavior, your children will learn to take personal responsibility far more quickly than when you attempt to force it on them.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you ready to discover loving and joyful parenting? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for Your FREE Inner Bonding Course and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Additional resources:

How to Become an Awakened Parent – An in-depth, comprehensive program that leads parents through a step by step process of examining themselves in order to raise empowered children. Master simple strategies for becoming an awakened parent, equipped to parent in a way that matches the world your children are growing up in.
Mini-Me Syndrome – Unlock the door to a life of limitless possibilities for your children! Teach them to realize their unique value, feel honored for who they are, maintain a positive mindset, have the confidence to reach for their dreams and achieve them. Your children will be able to live the life they were born to create without limiting beliefs interfering with what they truly want.
Free Parent Coaching Audio: Connected Parents, Connected Kids – This audio topic discusses the importance of parents staying connected, and finding ways to check in and figure out what is really important.