How To Talk To Your Children About Death And Sex

Of all the daunting challenges that parents face, explaining the concepts of sex and death to a child perhaps tops the list.

How To Explain Death To A Child

A curious child of three charged with ‘how’ and ‘why’ questions is likely to overhear an adult conversation and ask, “What is death?”, “Why did he die?” Don’t snub the child. Tell him what he can comprehend at the time.

Body language is important. A child can sense when his parent is uncomfortable. Scraps of information picked up from classmates could confuse and terrify a child if his parents have not offer him straight information on the issue beforehand.

Sadness is as much a part of life as happiness is. Try as we might, we cannot ‘protect’ our children from death or life itself. Prevarication only serves to alienate the child.

A child who’s not been exposed to sorrow will fall apart when he is confronted by the death of a loved one. Radical behavioral changes could ensue. A friendly child could become withdrawn. Anxiety attacks are not uncommon. Academic performance could suffer.

Ease In The Topic

A faded flower or a dead bird serves well as an object lesson. A pet’s death presents an opportunity to drive home the point about mortality and its inevitability. Explain that people die when they are old or very sick.

Story books help. A preschooler doesn’t want all the details, so keep your explanation short. Share your personal, religious or spiritual beliefs about death. Probing questions come later.

Help Children Cope With Death

When someone in the family dies, talk about your loss. Let the child know it’s all right to cry when he is emotionally upset. Don’t hide your tears from your child.

Children below eight are often interested in death without being able to grasp its irrevocability. Don’t be surprised, therefore, if at a dear one’s death the child asks when the person will return. Reiterate with patience and a hug that a dead person cannot return.

Eliminate Misleading Euphemisms

Referring to a dead person as having ‘gone to sleep’ can have very negative consequences. So can talk of a pet being ‘put to sleep’. A sensitive child may be so traumatized that he’ll refuse to go to bed. By preparing your child to face loss, you are fortifying him emotionally so he will be better able to cope with the eventuality.

Books Explaining Death to Children

I Miss You: A First Look At Death
Lifetimes: A beautiful way to explain death to children
Water Bugs & Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children (Looking Up)
The Dragonfly Door – a Mom’s Choice Awards Recipient
Badger’s Parting Gifts
The Velveteen Rabbit – The Original Edition
Remembering Grandad
What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?

Prepare your child to cope with loss

Explaining Sex To Kids

Unless parents are comfortable with their own sexuality, a pre-schooler’s queries may faze them. The first impulse when confronted with the innocent question “How are babies born?” may be to change the subject, distract the child or worse still feed him or her the ‘stork story’.

The Straightforward Approach

Pre-empt his questions by broaching the subject. Children begin to play with their genitalia just as naturally as they play with their fingers or toes. When you teach your child the parts of the body, label the sexual organs as well. Avoid baby language and don’t look too serious. Be candid and matter-of-fact.

How To Have “The Talk”

A little preparation will help you tackle your child’s questions simply and honestly. Your inputs should be age-appropriate. At three, a child learns gender differences. He/she may be content with the reply that babies come from their mothers. Don’t go into details.

The explanation that the baby grows from an egg in a special place called the ‘womb’, will satisfy a child of five. Between the ages of six and eleven, as his horizons widen, the child loses interest in sexual matters.

When the reproductive system is taught at school, he will take it in his stride and not titter if the parents have dealt with the subject in small doses through his growing years.

Evasion and Its Repercussions

You will lose your child’s confidence if you don’t give him an honest answer on the issue of sex. Scolding the child seen playing with his or her genitals induces unhealthy guilt, and insecurity will serve to intensify the habit.

Odd bits of misinformation from classmates and fear of punishment from parents breed an unhealthy attitude towards sex. The child could become more curious and ‘explore’ the bodies of other children at school, or be preoccupied with his or her own private parts.

The Importance of Privacy

Your child may embarrass you in public by declaring that all boys have a penis and girls don’t. To avoid this, teach him the meaning of privacy. Let him know that certain things are discussed only in the privacy of the home.

Similarly, explain that the child’s body belongs to him/her alone and while it is all right for parents to touch it while bathing or the doctor during an examination, you respect another person’s body just as they should respect yours. This will alert the child if he is touched inappropriately.

Sex Education Books For Parents

Sex Ed Books For Young Children

Sex Ed for Girls

Sex Ed for Boys

A child brought up in an over-strict, rigid home, where certain subjects are taboo, is likely to grow up into a maladjusted individual. Conversely, a child brought up in an environment of openness, warmth, love and laughter will mature into a confident, secure adult.

Additional Resources:

The Mountains of Tibet – This story of the death and reincarnation of a Tibetan woodcutter is a beautifully gentle look at one human being dealing with life’s choices and possibilities. Ages 7 and up.
Body Talk by Anjali Wason – Written especially for Indian women (14 and above) this book discusses issues from sex to sexual orientation and our national obsession with skin color.

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