Dad, The Superhero: ‘Roots And Wings’ Book Excerpt
By Raksha Bharadia
“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” ~ Sigmund Freud
I was seated opposite Mrinal Sen, ready with my volley of questions. Intrigued by the kind of father he has been to his son I wanted to know whether he had passed down any of his famous restlessness. His son works with the Britannica Encyclopedia.
But before I could shoot even one question, Mrinal da smiled and said, “Do you know, my son never calls me ‘baba’ or ‘papa’. He always calls me ‘Bandhu’. And that is what I have tried to be to him above all else”. Bandhu means friend in Bengali…
A father can truly be a friend, mentor and confidante to his children as it comes so naturally…
Sanjeev and my younger daughter, Sanaya, were partners in Monopoly where I had paired up with my older one. After an hour of a nail-biting, session where the game could have ended in favour of any team, luck favoured them and they won.
We went bankrupt and the triumphant duo began their celebrations. The two hi-fived, did bum to bum, shoulder rub, the thumbs up and the ‘v’ for victory. Young children respond positively to such display of bonhomie. Had I won, I would have just exchanged a smile with my partner…
Cola was not allowed into the Gupta household, by order of the Supreme Court (mommy of course). 7 year old Aryaman got onto the mission called ‘cola smuggle’. He called his dad up at work and whispered the ‘black cats’ mission.
Dad returned home with a bloated tummy. Must be gas, mum thought. Mummy went into the kitchen to organize dinner and out came the bottled gas from underneath dad’s shirt. They ran up to the attic, guzzling cola all the way. ‘Black cats’ came down in time for dinner with satisfied looks of mission accomplished!
Abhishek goofed up the most important paper in the board exam. He called up his dad and said, “I studied very hard but somehow lost my confidence and did not do well”. His dad replied, “Genetic lottery my son.
I too blew up my maths paper in sheer nervousness. I will be home early and we will discuss our mind-calming strategies for the next paper. For now, forget what happened today and prepare for tomorrow”. Abhishek needed no more consolation. He could let go of his anxiety; after all his father had goofed up too in the same manner!
Tanishka called out to her dad before hitting the bed, “Hey Dad, do I need to brush my teeth?” He answered, ‘Well, just rinse with soda!’ “I love you dad”, she called back.
Kanha excused himself from the evening play session as it was time for his father to be home. Once home he got about setting up the rink for the day’s WWF match. Sofas were pushed back, soft mattresses were placed on the floor and the make-shift fencing was done. Kanha then awaited his dad’s arrival. He was the ‘Black Cobra’ and his father had settled on ‘Undertaker’.
Saarang’s choice for the adult supervision for his play-ground hours was clearly dad. With mom it was an instruction every few minutes, ‘not so fast you will fall, not so high, look ahead, you will trip’, whereas with dad it was, ‘come on, you can go faster, give a little more push to your swing, champ’.
Besides most of the time dad anyways stuck to his phone, attending business, leaving Saarang to work out his safety himself. He felt like a grown up and how he loved it. Three-year-old Kareena’s favourite past-time is pretending to be a princess while her knight (Dad) lunges on the dragon (her teddy bear) and saves the kingdom.
Daddies And Mommies Parent Differently
There are intrinsic differences in the way men and women parent. Their inclinations and methods of operating, their natural skills and even their ways of perceiving are different.
Whereas the moms fuss over their children, dads challenge them to stretch; moms care, dads play; moms hug, dads wrestle; moms protect, dads encourage; moms support equity, dads cheer competition; moms encourage security, dads independence; moms teach mercy, dads justice; moms cushion their children against irritating stimulation, dads heap them on.
Fathers Do Not ‘Mother’!
Dr. Kyle Pruett of Yale Medical School in his book, Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child
Fathers have a hands-off approach which helps build the child’s self confidence and self esteem. They are more likely to encourage children to explore the outer levels of their competence and try new experiences. A study at the University of Maryland School of Medicine, in Baltimore, concluded that children who have active fathers learn better, have higher self esteem, and are less prone to depression than those who don’t.
Fathers tend to withhold giving immediate help to a frustrated child. They allow the child time and space to work out situations by themselves, thus promoting problem-solving skills. Children of involved fathers tend to have a greater tolerance for stress and frustration.
Children with consistently involved fathers tend to be braver! With dads around children learn just how to hit the ball harder, fly the kites higher, jump from the top level at the club’s swimming pool or brush up the dust after a fall with ‘its nothing’. Children develop internal limits and control during their interaction with their dads. Dads naturally tend to rough-house and tease children.
Michael E. Lamb, head of the Section on Social and Emotional Development in the US National Institute of Child Health and Human Development says, “In nearly all instances fathers are much more likely to get children worked up, negatively or positively, with fear as well as delight, forcing them to learn to regulate their feelings.” This helps teach them social skills and teaches them to manage their emotions better.
Dads prepare their children for the real world. Where mothers tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their children, dads tend to see their children in relation to the rest of the world. For instance, it is the dads who are more likely to encourage the child to defend himself from a bully or stand up for his rights with ‘Learn to fight your own way out in this world. I will not always be around’.
Dads prepare their children for the real world
Dads help children see that particular attitudes and behaviors have certain consequences. They are the ones who will say with a matter-of-fact attitude that, ‘if you do not study hard you are not going to get into a good college’. They spell the reality out there in black and white.
Researchers like Jay Belsky, Ph.D., at Pennsylvania State University, and Ross Parke, Ph.D., of the University of California/Riverside Center for Family Studies say, “The classical psychological view held that a father’s ‘job’ was to expand his children’s horizon beyond the bosom of the family and the mother-child relationship.”
Belsky observes. “Mothers preserved and protected children from discomfort. But fathers imposed a realistic, the-world-is-tough perspective.” Fathers discipline in a systematic and consistent manner. They spell out the rules and then stick to them. With dad children know that rules are not pliable. No grace is allowed. If the children cop it they follow the consequence.
A dad’s discipline is not situational (does not depend on his or the child’s moods). Where moms tend to adjust the discipline to the child’s current state of mind, dads tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly. This teaches children objectivity and consequences of right and wrong.
According to research, children of involved fathers do better in academics. The June 2000 report from the U.S. Department of Education and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services showed that in two-parent families where fathers are highly involved, children are more likely to get top grades, more likely to enjoy school and less likely to get into trouble.
Noted fatherhood researcher, Henry Biller found that father-involved children are more confident and successful in solving complex mathematical and logical puzzles. This may be because fathers tend to be more specialized in and have a higher interest in analytical problems.
Poulter, author of Father Your Son : How to Become the Father You’ve Always Wanted to Be
“First, it shows them you care,” he says. “Your involvement in such a major part of their lives builds their self-esteem and thus their success in school and, ultimately, adulthood. Second, it shows them that education matters to you. And when it matters to Dad, it usually matters to the kids, too”
Research shows that the masculinity of sons and the femininity of daughters are the greatest when fathers are active in family life. Also when fathers are involved in day-to-day care, children grow up with more flexible and less stereotypical/traditional gender roles. Children of involved fathers are also more likely to care well for their own children too.
The Review of General Psychology concludes:
“Many studies conclude that children with highly involved fathers, in relation to children with less involved fathers, tend to be more cognitively and socially competent, less inclined toward gender stereotyping, more empathetic, and psychologically better adjusted.”
But this idea of Fathers is still farther off.
Father’s time, involvement and everyday care is still a luxury which very few children are blessed with. The west is plagued by physically absentee fathers due to high divorce rates which has created such an alarming situation that their governments have had to step in.
Fortunately, back home though, our homes are relatively more stable, the malaise of absentee fathers, nonetheless, is as pronounced. Fathers here are physically present but functionally absent. Parenting to a great extent is essentially mothering.
Yes, there are some truly liberated men who are sincerely involved in the child-rearing process, but the question is, what percentage? How many children actually go to their daddies with their stories, problems, chores, wounds and dilemmas? The fact is, very few.
© Raksha Bharadia
This article is an excerpt from Raksha Bharadia’s book, Roots and Wings: A Handbook for Parents (Rupa & Co).
Raksha Bharadia is the author of Me: A Handbook for Life (Rupa & Co) and Roots and Wings: A Handbook for Parents (Rupa & Co). Raksha has co-authored the Chicken Soup for the Indian Soul series ( with Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen) for Westland. Four titles have already been released; Indian Soul, Indian Teenage Soul, Indian Armed Forces and Indian Romantic Soul. She is also working on further titles for the Chicken Soup series and has just finished her first work of fiction, which will hit the bookstands soon. She has contributed features for Times of India, Femina, Gurlz and Life Positive.
This article may be reproduced with the complete author bio and a live link back to http://www.lovingyourchild.com
Additional resources:
- Healthy Father-Daughter Relationships – The father is the first man a girl loves. Learn how to be the best father you can be with this easy to follow guide that covers nearly everything you need to know about communicating with your daughter, discipline and guidance, academic achievement, drugs and alcohol, dating and sexuality, blended family conflict, dealing with grief and loss, spirituality and major lessons.
- Inspired Children: Life Skills for Kids – Weekly step-by-step guide to teaching essential life skills to children aged 4-14 yrs in just 15 minutes at a time. Topics include: self esteem, communication, nutrition, exercise, cleanliness. Perfect for Parents, Teachers, Grandparents.
- The Inspired Parenting Course - Leading-edge parenting tools from the world’s most respected thought leaders and Law of Attraction teachers. You won’t find these in traditional parenting books that have been around for over 50 years. Go deep into the exact practices and techniques that parents can use to help children and teenagers overcome challenges, find their purpose and live a happy, thriving life.
