3 ‘Speak Up’ Tips For Helping Girls Respond to Relational Aggression

By Blair Wagner, CPCC, ACC

Being Called An Ugly Name

The second grade girls are sitting on the gym floor in rows, their attention honed in on the girl standing in front of them. She is practicing speaking up to another girl who has just called her an ugly name. The girl wants to feel brave enough to say something witty and sharp, a comeback.

But what we are teaching her instead are Calmbacks™. We’re working with her to stand up for herself with power and with dignity – both for herself and for the girl who just called her a hurtful name. We remind her that the goal is to shrink the problem, not reignite it.

She does well, and everyone claps.

How to Practice Speaking Up With Girls

Girls are hungry for help in dealing with friendship problems. They crave answers to their questions about bullying, and they LOVE to role play. When you want to teach girls how to speak up, here are three great tips:

Tip 1: Practice Puppet Poses

Try out three puppet poses: Wicked, Rag Doll, and Personal Power. Tell the girls that they are puppets on strings and you hold the strings. Have them stand up and follow your movement (with your arm raised).

When you lower your arm, the girls all hunch forward into Rag Doll pose. When you raise your arm straight, they are tall and straight in Personal Power pose. When you pull them forward, they lean forward into Wicked pose.

The goal when speaking up is Personal Power pose.

Teach your daughter effective social behaviors early on

Tip 2: Practice a Just Right Voice

Practice a Just Right Voice. Not too soft, not too loud.

Tip 3: Practice the Right Words

The first word out of her mouth is critical. It should not be “You.” It can be “I,” “When we,” “It’s not OK when,” or “It seems like.” When she’s practiced this thoroughly, she’ll have the right words at the tip of her tongue when she needs them.

Start in Kindergarten

With the rise in relational aggression and bullying among girls we are seeing in our schools, it’s critical that we work with girls beginning in kindergarten. It’s so much easier for them to learn effective social behaviors when they are young than to try to recover from negative coping skills later on.

© 2010 A Way Through, LLC

Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AwayThrough.com

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Additional resources:

The Kids Manual to Overcome Bullying and Gain Self Confidence - This e-book will allow your child to handle any bullying situation with confidence and get results with the best and easily applicable strategies. Not only is it written for children, in their unique language,you as the parent can learn along with them and guide them with the techniques to conquer bullies.
Dishing With Your Daughters Home-Study Program – Girls and women are caught in a cycle that doesn’t allow them the freedom, nourishment and peace. This 7-step recipe will help you connect with your daughter and guide her toward healthy eating, a strong self-esteem & a positive body image.
Healthy Father-Daughter Relationships – The father is the first man a girl loves. Learn how to be the best father you can be with this easy to follow guide that covers nearly everything you need to know about communicating with your daughter, discipline and guidance, academic achievement, drugs and alcohol, dating and sexuality, blended family conflict, dealing with grief and loss, spirituality and major lessons.