Positive Discipline Tips: How To Avoid Spanking Your Child

By Diana D’Souza

The debate over spanking has raged on for centuries with those for and against it giving convincing reasons for their standpoints. Lately, however, the trend has subtly but definitely shifted. More and more parents are coming to feel very strongly about the value of parenting minus spanking.

This change stems from the overwhelming evidence that shows that violence only begets violence, and that spanking kids only makes them believe that physical violence is an acceptable way to solve problems.

Moreover, spanking a child lowers his or her self esteem and only punishes a child for a wrongdoing. It does not actually teach them alternate or appropriate behavior – in other words, what is the RIGHT thing to do.

But, even parents who don’t spank are clueless about the right way to discipline their child.. Here are some effective alternatives to falling into the spanking trap.

Stay Calm

Most of the time, parents lose it because they are too stressed. There’s a pile of laundry to be done, dinner to be cooked, homework to be seen to and the next day to get ready for. If one of the kids spills a glass of milk in such a stressed atmosphere, you will likely lose it and raise your hand. It’s not the child’s fault, it’s just that you’ve had a long day and have reached the end of your tether.

Step Back

At such times, the best thing you can do is step back and leave the scene if you can. Take a deep breath, calm down, count to ten and only then attempt to deal with the incident.

When you return to the scene, you may see that the spilt milk was a minor accident – not one that warrants a spanking at all. You may have enough perspective now to do something constructive – such as showing your child how to use a tissue to wipe it up.

Be Firm, Yet Gentle

Despite repeated requests, your children simply refuse to stop playing and go for a bath. You are becoming increasingly exasperated and fast approaching the point of no return – a slap seems to be the only way to drive home the point.

In a better way to handle the situation, nobody loses any pride – get down to your kids level, touch them gently and, maintaining eye contact, tell them exactly what it is you expect from them. Don’t yell, but be firm. You will find that this approach works every time.

Teach Natural Consequences

Spanking a child who has broken a valuable vase only encourages the child to lie and deny responsibility for such an incident the next time. Instead, dock your child’s allowance or make him do chores to make up for the value of the broken item.

This shifts the focus from the mistake to the responsibility of making up for it. It teaches the child that mistakes are inevitable, and that it is important to take responsibility for fixing the wrongdoing.

Curtail Privileges

If the kids are fighting over the TV remote control or over which program to watch, switch off the television and take away all TV privileges for a while. Teach the kids to reach a consensus on who gets to watch which program, and when.

This way, everybody gets what they want and there’s no damage done. Similarly, if the kids are fighting over a toy, nobody gets to play with the toy until they find a friendly way to share.

Resist The Temptation

If you find yourself caught in heated argument with one of your kids and neither of you is willing to back off, you may figure the only way you can end it is with a slap.

Don’t give in to the temptation – instead, withdraw from the situation as gracefully as you can. Do not leave the room in defeat or in anger. Just calmly tell your child where he can find you when he finally rediscovers his ability to talk to you more respectfully.

Set Clear Limits

Your child is dawdling over homework. There are no signs of him finishing it in the near future. Your mind is racing with the amount of chores you still have to do. Spanking her will only make her hate her homework more.

Instead, calmly tell your child she will just have to get the homework done before going out to play, and that she definitely cannot watch her favorite TV show till homework is done. Then get up and proceed with your own chores.

Use Positive Reinforcement

Often, children play up just to attract attention – after all, negative attention is better than none. Think about it. How often do we ignore our kids when they are playing quietly, and then snap at them the moment they do something wrong?

Kids cotton on to this fast, and will often misbehave just to attract your attention. Instead, try ignoring the bad behavior and give brownie points and little treats every time your kids behave themselves. This is sure to encourage them to be on their best behavior all the time (or least most of it).

Encourage kids to find a friendly way to share

Give Advance Notice

You know your child will kick up a fuss when playtime is over and it’s time to go back home. If you want to take your child home at six thirty, don’t wait for the last minute.

If you spring a surprise with, “Alright, it’s 6.30. Time to get up and go home,” chances are your child will respond with an “Aww… we only just got here.” Instead, five or ten minutes before deadline, announce that she has another that much time to finish her game, after which it’s time to head home.

Enjoy Some ‘Me’ Time

Last but by no means the least – take time out for yourself. Very often, parents are in complete rush mode, juggling the household, office and kids with absolutely no downtime for themselves. The result? Parents feel depleted and frazzled, and spanking seems like the easiest way to get things done at the end of the day.

‘Me’ Time is very important. Take time off just for yourself every week. Join a club, read, exercise, go for a swim – do whatever it takes to restore your sense of equilibrium, so that you are capable of taking on whatever your kids have in store for you.

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Additional Resources:

Positive .Discipline Tools For Parents – Positive Discipline is a program designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Based on the best selling Positive Discipline books by Dr. Jane Nelsen and co-authors, it teaches important social and life skills in a manner that is deeply respectful and encouraging for both children and adults.
Get Your Child to Listen the First Time – Reduce your stress now. Enjoy your kids more and get things done the first time you ask. Get 19 solutions for getting your child to listen and do what s/he is asked. You’ll get real-life, practical solutions that you can use right away.
Ruling The Roost: Toddler .Discipline Guide – Establishing a sound routine is essential for creating a positive and nurturing environment for your infant and toddler to grow and develop. An easy to understand guide that helps any level of parent create a sound and nurturing discipline routine starting as early as 6 months!

How Spanking Feels: Images and Words from Children