Positive Discipline: Teaching Children ‘Inner-Discipline’

By Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker

If we are to reach real peace in this world and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with children. If they will grow up in their natural innocence, we won’t have to struggle; we won’t have to pass fruitless idle resolutions, but shall go from love to love and peace to peace, until at last all the corners of the world are covered with that peace and love for which consciously or unconsciously the whole world is hungering. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Children learn violence in their homes and in their schools from adults whose best intentions are to train them to be obedient, law-abiding citizens. To that end, corporal punishment has been used on children in many societies for hundreds of years.

Attitudes about corporal punishment are strong, but they are finally beginning to change. The Government of India approved a new bill and joined hundreds of other countries abolishing the use of corporal punishment in all schools – “No corporal punishment of any kind will be permitted in Indian Government and private schools.”

As a parent you may be wondering why the Government felt it was important enough to pass such a law. You may also be wondering what that means in terms of disciplining your children in the home.

Governments can no longer ignore the evidence that hitting children teaches them to be aggressive and violent. The research is unequivocal in showing the long-term negative effects of spanking and hitting children.

Some of these effects include increased child aggression, increased adult aggression, increased child delinquent and antisocial behaviour, to name just a few.

Many child development experts agree that hitting children does not teach them right from wrong, but rather makes them obey when a parent is present and misbehave when the parent not present.

This means we need to have a new understanding of discipline and what we can do to instill in a child the desire to be good. The following quote says it beautifully.

When we use punishment, our children are robbed of the opportunity to develop their own inner discipline – the ability to act with integrity, wisdom, compassion, and mercy when there is no external force holding them accountable for what they do. ~ Barbara Coloroso

Kids Are Worth It!

The goal of positive discipline is to teach children inner-discipline that comes from a highly-developed conscience, rather than the use of punishments that may include external force, shame, humiliation, isolation or coercion.

We help children develop a conscience first through a strong, connected parent-child relationship, and secondly by allowing them to feel remorse and teaching them how to reconcile their mistakes.

We must also teach them to be kind, respectful and compassionate toward others, and we do that best by being the example… by modelling that behaviour with our children, to ‘be the change we wish to see in the world.’

Attachment parenting (AP) offers parents a new perspective on children’s behaviour and discipline, following the ‘golden rule’. Most often applied to adult relationships, the golden rule simply asks you to treat your child the way you would want to be treated.

Do not unto others which would cause you pain if done to you. ~ Mahābhārata 5:1517

AP encourages us to learn the fundamentals of positive discipline so we can follow this precept. When we understand the world through a child’s developing mind, we better understand how much children adore their parents and want to please them.

Their behaviour often correlates to phases of brain development. Their behaviour can also be directly related to whether they feel loved, respected and protected by those to whom they feel most attached.

Either way, it requires us as parents to adjust our attitudes and coping skills, to be more patient and to guide them in ways that are developmentally appropriate.

The process of positive discipline does four things that the act of punishment cannot do:

Show children what they have done wrong
Give them ownership of the problem
Give them options for solving the problem
Leave their dignity intact

When our children were very young, we both noticed that some years the children were calm and cooperative and other years they were moody, unpredictable and uncooperative.

It was certainly frustrating for us, but much easier to accept and to cope with once we learned that normal child development didn’t occur in a linear way, but in more of an upward spiral. That means it’s quite normal for children to have years of equilibrium and disequilibrium.

Try to understand the world through your child’s developing mind

For some children, the even years could be those of equilibrium and the odd years, disequilibrium or the opposite. That doesn’t mean we let our children run the household, but rather that we find ways to distract, redirect or teach them better behaviour.

Regardless of age, children aren’t usually very good with expressing their feelings (neither are many adults) and often they don’t know why they misbehave – they just know they don’t feel right.

So, if you will start to look at your child’s behaviour as a sign or cue that they have emotional needs that aren’t being met, then you can begin to work on a solution. Think of each one of us as having an ‘emotional tank’ that works best when it’s full.

When a child’s emotional tank is low or running on empty then he will do whatever he can to get the attention of his parents, even if that means bad behaviour. So again, if you, as the parent, can see your child’s behaviour as a need for an emotional ‘fill-up’, then you will be better able to meet his needs for positive attention, closeness and nurturance.

There can be physical reasons behind a child’s behaviour, too. Some children are sensitive to certain foods – wheat, dairy, eggs, food colouring and preservatives are the most common. Low blood sugar is another common culprit.

Active children burn a lot of calories, so make sure your child has small, healthy snacks between meals. Taking healthy snacks with you when you travel can help prevent bad moods and tantrums.

Transitioning to a positive discipline frame of mind takes a lot of practice and re-education. It’s helpful to find other parents who either practice positive discipline or need the support.

Getting together frequently to support, share experiences and ideas can be very valuable. Your first step toward a peaceful home and a peaceful world can begin today.

Positive Discipline Resources:

Attached At The Heart: Eight Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker available at www.attachmentparenting.org, the web site for Attachment Parenting International (US)
www.cnvc.com – The Center for Nonviolent Communication (US)
www.nospank.net – Web site for parents and teachers against violence in education (US)
www.stophitting.com – Web site for The Center for Effective Discipline with a great deal of information about spanking, positive discipline tips. (US)

Barbara Nicholson is co-founder and President of the Board of Directors of Attachment Parenting International. She has a Master of Education degree specializing in learning disabilities. She has been a breastfeeding and parent support group facilitator for over 27 years. She speaks to various groups and conferences and has given workshops about parenting as a prevention model for societal violence. She is the mother of four grown sons and lives with her husband in Nashville, Tennessee, US.

Lysa Parker, MS, CFLE, is co-founder and Director Emeritus of Attachment Parenting International.She has a Masters in Human Development and Family Studies and is a Certified Family Life Educator (CFLE) through the National Council on Family Relations. She is a speaker, writer, parent support group facilitator and parenting consultant in private practice. Throughout her career she has worked as a special education teacher with the multiply handicapped and those with learning difficulties. Lysa is the mother of two grown sons and a stepdaughter, and the grandmother of twin grandsons.

Positive Discipline Tools:

Positive Discipline Tools For Parents – Positive Discipline is a program designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Based on the best selling Positive Discipline books by Dr. Jane Nelsen and co-authors, it teaches important social and life skills in a manner that is deeply respectful and encouraging for both children and adults.
Positive Discipline. In The. Classroom Teacher’s Package – Hundreds of schools use these amazingly effective strategies for restoring order and civility to today’s turbulent classrooms. Now you too can use this philosophy as a foundation for fostering cooperation, problem-solving skills, and mutual respect in children. Imagine, instead of controlling behavior, you can be teaching; instead of confronting apathy, you will enjoy motivated, eager students!
Free Child Discipline Presentation – 3 effective keys to stop misbehavior and get any child to listen. Learn effective ways to disciplining children and getting your child to listen and cooperate without putting up a fuss.

Help Your Child Build Inner Controls Without Losing Control Yourself