Positive Parenting: Does Your Child Believe In Reality? Do You?

By Shaya Kass, PhD

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. ~ Jennifer Yane

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~ Albert Einstein

I chose two quotes for today’s newsletter because there are two distinct views of reality. One, represented by the first quote, is that reality is real, whether or not we choose to accept it.

The second view, represented by Albert Einstein, no less, is that reality is flexible. Which of these is correct? According to which view should we raise our kids? My answer is “both”.

Let’s be serious. Every time we fight with gravity, gravity will win. If you jump off the top of a bunk bed, there is a very good chance you will break an arm or a leg. That is reality and you cannot fight with that.

A common fight that people have with reality is the weather. Every winter it gets cold and rainy, every summer it gets hot and humid. It is what it is. No amount of complaining will change that.

A more personal example is when my son complains to me that Johnny in his class is annoying, I remind him that Johnny has been annoying for 6 years now. That is the reality of Johnny. While it would be nice if we could wave a magic wand and change Johnny, the reality is that we cannot.

In the Bridge to Terabithia, the kids create a world of their own to cope with reality

On the other hand, How my son reacts to Johnny is another story entirely! And here, my son can change his reality. Because the truth is, Johnny is Johnny. My son perceives him as annoying and reacts to him as annoying.

My son can change his reaction and, thereby, change his reality. This is obviously different if Johnny is hitting or otherwise being physical. But as long as Johnny is only using words, my sons reality is in his own hands. How my son reacts to Johnny will, in many ways, determine my sons future reality. If he gets upset and sulks off, he will be missing some serious social skills.

On the other hand, if he learns to let it slide and he stays engaged, he will have a more rewarding social life. There is a lot of research that this is the most important key to being happy in life. So it is crucial that my son learn to get along and stay engaged with his friends.

I actually have spoken to my son on many occasions about not getting upset. When I recently asked him about another way to deal with the situation when Johnny upset him, he said, “I could angry and take it out on someone else.” I had to point out that he could also not get angry at all.

So it is not easy to teach our kids about dealing with reality and choosing our reaction. But it is so important. When our kids get this important skill, they will likely have many good relationships, including their relationship with you!

© Copyright Shaya Kass, PhD, 2011

Shaya Kass, PhD is a parenting coach. Shaya publishes his weekly newsletter for families who want to take their relationships to a whole new level and helps parents create sincere, deep, loving relationships with their kids that give a lifetime of smiles. Having a parent coach can help you create one of these fabulous relationships. He offers tips and techniques for growing happy, inspired kids and parents at www.PositiveParentPlus.com Visit now for a free report on The 7 Key Steps to Being A Positive Parent. Shaya can be reached at DrShaya@PositiveParentPlus.com

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