Power Struggles With Your Child: Should You Give In Or Not?

By Diana D’Souza

At some stage between babyhood and toddlerhood, all babies develop a strong urge to assert their autonomy. You will recognize this moment in the first time your baby says “No” when you tell him or her to do something. You will probably find it rather amusing the first time – better steel yourself though.

This is just a sign of things to come. Very soon, you’re likely to find it tiresome being challenged time and again by your little tot, who is standing her ground and refusing to give in on increasing occasions.

Should you establish your authority by overpowering your kid, or should you concede ‘defeat’ in an attempt at keeping the peace? What you choose to do when you come to this crossroad will forever influence the way your child sees you. Do you want your children seeing you as being ‘bossy’ or ‘wimpy’?

If neither of these choices seems terribly attractive, you will need to find another way of dealing with the situation. Here are a few tips on how you can subtly – but deftly – avert a full-blown power struggle at home. All you need is a bit of tact, some craftiness and oodles of patience.

Recognize The Behavior For What It Is

It is important to realise that your child is not being recalcitrant or stubborn. Nor is she being rebellious just to get you all wound up. Well, rebellious maybe… but that’s only because from about the age of two children start developing their own individuality.

They begin forming their own opinions and making their own decisions. Being told what to do and what not to do does not go down very well with them, especially when this is in direct opposition to what they feel they should be allowed to do.

Clash Of The Titans

Does that mean you should allow children to have their own way? Certainly not! The trick lies in being able to side-step the power struggle. You ask your child if she is ready to go indoors. Your child knows she has to go in, but she still says “No”.

She has now thrown down the gauntlet, and it’s up to you whether you want to accept the challenge or not. Remember, though, that every challenge results in one person being the winner and the other one a loser.

is a situation you want to avoid at all costs. Imposing your authority on every occasion will crush her self-esteem. Nevertheless, if you let her get her way every time, you will soon have a tiny little despot who will want her own way every time on your hands.

The Fine Line Between Empowering And Overpowering

The next time you ask your child to do something and your resolute child decides to ‘hold my breath till I explode’ in opposition, try not to explode before your child does.

On the other hand, do not panic and give in immediately, either – even if your child looks hell-bent on carrying out her threat. Don’t let that breath-holding act get to you. Once your child lets out that pent-up steam, she will be fine.

A little tact and patience can help avoid power struggles

You will notice that the breath-holding act will almost always follow an order. Why not change track?

The next time, when you feel your child is likely to throw a tantrum when you ask her to come indoors, brush her teeth or clean up her room, don’t order her to do so. Instead, give her a choice.

Let’s assume your child’s evening schedule includes going out to play for a short while, followed by homework, half an hour of television and then bed.

If she chooses to stay out longer, tell her she will have to forego her favourite TV programme, but that the homework WILL be done.

This way, you give your child the power to choose while still making sure that your rules are not broken. If she throws a tantrum and threatens to ‘hold her breath’ at having to miss her programme, let her!

Most parents make the mistake of giving in at this point, mostly because they are just plain tired of it all by then. Therein lies the problem – children immediately pick up on such weak spots. The next time, you can expect a full-blown power struggle.

How To Give Your Child Choices

When giving choices, you need to ensure that all the choices you offer your child will affect that particular child only, and nobody else. If the whole family is at a restaurant and your child refuses to settle down, you may not want to give her the choice of ‘behaving or leaving the restaurant’.

If she chooses the latter, it would be unfair to the rest of the family. Giving your child the choice of ‘behaving or leaving’ would work great at the dinner table at home, but it would not be appropriate in a restaurant.

The Importance Of Empowering Your Child

Everyone wants to feels powerful, irrespective of age or gender. When you constantly impose your authority with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude, you foster a sense of powerlessness in your child.

All children will react to this in either of two ways – they will either learn to give in constantly and ultimately become meek and submissive, or they will start harbouring a sense of resentment and ultimately revenge.

Neither of these attitudes is healthy or nurturing. What’s worse, these attitudes will, over time, become a habitual trait and that influences how your child deals with her peers right through childhood into adulthood.

It is from the way that you deal with this power struggle that your child will learn to be submissive to every request or rebellious to every order. However, children who subtly imbibe the fine art of negotiation will have picked up a valuable tool that will stand them in good stead in every sphere of life.

This article may be reprinted with attribution to the author and a link back to www.lovingyourchild.com

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