Healthy eating

There is an expression that says “you are what you eat” and an important task that you have to undertake as a parent is to keep your child’s eating habits on track towards a healthy diet, whilst allowing them to enjoy some treats along the way.

Very often it is a case of leading by example and if you want a healthy family then what you put on the table will go a long way to influencing the result. Common sense dictates that a diet that consists of plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables will help maintain a good level of health and enable your child to develop a good immune system and strong bones.

A healthy diet is all about balance and there is nothing wrong with enjoying a family meal at the local pizza restaurant, just don’t make it a treat that happens more than once a week.

Exercise

It is a fact of modern life that many kids do not get anywhere near the right amount of exercise that they need and not only is this causing a problem with a growth in childhood obesity, it is also storing up a host of potential problems for them when they become adults, such as heart disease.

You just have to make exercise fun, so why not turn off the TV and all go on a family hike in the local woods or go for a swim. Shared exercise with the family is a great way of spending time together and is good news all round for everyone as they work off that extra slice of pizza from yesterday.

Communication

Keeping your child fit and healthy is not just about eating the right food and taking plenty of regular exercise, it is also about taking parental responsibility for their mental health and development. Always try to have good open communication with your children and talk to them about bullying and drugs.

Being able to talk openly about these difficult subjects will help to ensure that your child will feel more able to talk to you if they have a problem or concern, giving them a greater level of confidence and helping them develop their character and personality.

Personal safety

It is always advisable to advise your children on aspects of personal safety and the information that you give to them will vary according to their age.

There is a fine line between talking to your child about the dangers of coming into contact with a stranger in a vulnerable situation and scaring them unnecessarily, but talking to them and educating them that although most people are good, some are not, is an important aspect of helping to keep your child safe and well.

Relationships

Your role as a parent is a fulfilling one in general, but it is sometimes complicated and another key role that you can play in keeping your child happy and safe whilst allowing them to develop, is to talk about relationships. We all need friends at every stage of our lives and children develop into healthy and well-rounded adults if they are guided about how to handle relationships.

Always try to evaluate the circle of friends that your child has and as they get older that will of course get more complicated, but being there for them and letting them feel that they can talk to you about relationships will help them to make the right choices along the way and keep them happy.

The role of being a parent is challenging but also very fulfilling and there is nothing quite as satisfying as seeing your family grow up being fit, healthy, happy and well.

Rachel Wallis is a family counselor. She frequently shares her tips for healthy, happy households on family and lifestyle blogs. Click http://safesoundfamily.com/p/wireless-home-security/ to learn more about keeping your house secure.

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Parenting consciously and making decisions that mirror your heart and innermost values take guts, no matter what the issue is. They require an unwavering commitment to your family’s well-being, in both the short and long term, as well as weathering the disapproval of your children.

As we know, it’s harder to say no than to say yes — particularly when that no goes against the norm of our culture. Your kids are not likely to celebrate the establishment of media guidelines, and you may find any rules difficult to follow as well.

When we’re overworked and exhausted, the electronic babysitter is easy to turn to and always available. Yet as we’ve seen, this seemingly harmless choice can develop into a negative habit that can create an ocean of disconnection, frazzled nerves and minds, and an ongoing barrier to true intimacy.

So begin with baby steps. Invite in self-compassion. Cultivate a sense of curiosity: What would happen if I became less plugged in? How can I model this for my kids?

What are some half measures and partial steps I could try? What fun things could I replace screen time with? When are the most important times when I want my family unplugged (for example, during dinner or on Sundays)?

Sit down with your partner, or with your entire family, including the kids, and discuss everyone’s priorities and values — what is most important for your family? What is essential for each individual and for the entire family’s emotional well-being?

Make a list; this may include unscheduled time, physical activity, playing in nature, eating dinner together, not feeling rushed, making time for creative or free play, and so on.

Then, take a look at your schedule. How are you using your waking hours? Outside of work and school, how many “free” hours does each person have, and how much time does the family have together?

For most families, this may amount to only three to four hours of free time together a day. Many families find that once they’ve identified and scheduled what’s really important to them, there’s not much time left for TV, Internet surfing, and video games.

Here are some of the ways families are taming the technology dragon. Perhaps one of these ideas will resonate as you develop media guidelines for your family. Give yourself the freedom to experiment, discarding what doesn’t work and keeping what does:

• If you watch TV every night, try giving it up for one night a week. Then progressively add more TV-free nights each week (until you reach three or four), and instead enjoy music, reading, time outdoors, or playing games on those evenings.

• If your habit is to often or always have the TV on as background noise, replace this with a classical music station. (My family finds this to be really calming in the morning and at dinnertime.)

• Some families allow their kids to have screen time only on the weekends — establish a total number of hours (say, two to five) that your kids can spend however they like from Friday to Sunday.

• Ditch the cable and only use the TV for watching family-friendly movies, either through a subscription service or by checking DVDs out of the library. Then, make a regular occasion of “family movie night” — reserve one night of the week for watching a movie you can all talk about afterward.

• Allow for one hour of educationally oriented screen time a day, and schedule this time for when Mom and Dad need it the most, such as while cooking dinner, replying to emails, and so on.

• Maintain a land line and answering machine at home. This way you can screen phone calls without interrupting precious family time.

• Insist that all cell phones and electronics be turned off during meals and whenever the family is enjoying time together.

• For the parents: abstain from getting online before work in the morning or after work in the evenings. These are natural family-gathering and transition times each day, so make your priority being present for your kids and for each other as a couple. Talk, connect, and share the day’s events.

• Consider making electronics off-limits during everyday car rides around town. Let your child sit quietly and “get bored” looking out the window, or use travel time as an ideal moment for talking about school, friends, and what’s going on in your child’s life.

• Avoid temptation by not getting a smart phone. These gadgets are a slippery slope, and how much do you really need all that they do? Instead, get a regular, basic cell phone with texting (you’d be surprised how many are choosing this!).

• Move the TV from the family room, or the center of your house, to an upstairs guest room. It’s interesting to see how viewing habits change, and usually lessen, when the TV is in an out-of-the-way spot.

• Make one weekend day entirely, 100 percent unplugged, with no media and no phone calls at all until a certain hour in the evening. Reserve this day for 100 percent family time, and make it fun: go hiking or to museums, make fancy all-day meals, visit friends or relatives, or go swimming.

Initially, long stretches of unstructured time may seem hard to fill, but propose this as an experiment and give your family’s collective creativity a chance. Your older kids might continue to complain, but I bet they will secretly like it!

As parents, we need to change our own mindsets and behaviors and really take charge of the technologies in our homes. It’s like eating. You need a balanced diet. You don’t want to raise your kids on junk food, and you don’t want their whole worlds to revolve around screen time.

The earlier you create healthy habits in this arena, the better. I’ve found looking at our media diet and paying close attention to what types of messages, images, and themes we’re consuming can be helpful.

Jana shared, “My kids and I had gotten into a habit — really a slump — of watching the same programs on TV every week. They weren’t great shows; it was just ‘what we did.’ One night we all ended up playing soccer in the backyard instead of being glued to the screen. I was surprised at how much better we all slept that night and how much happier everyone seemed in the morning. It really got me thinking about how I want to change our habits around TV — not only when we watch it, but what we watch.”

Plus, once the complaining dies down and kids accept a new routine, you may be surprised by what you find. My brother, a thirty-seven-year-old technology hound and dad of two, recently discovered his three-year-old son actually loves going to the library — just as much as he used to like playing Angry Birds on dad’s smart phone. Baby steps.

In fact, all the families I’ve known and coached that have made a conscious decision to set up media-use guidelines, instill boundaries, and in general “consume” less media have found this has made a huge impact on their personal well-being and on their family’s sense of peace and harmony.

Excerpted from the new book Nurturing the Soul of Your Family ©2013 Renée Peterson Trudeau. Published with permission of New World Library http://www.newworldlibrary.com

Author Bio:

Life balance coach/speaker, Renée Peterson Trudeau is the author of the new book Nurturing the Soul of Your Family. She is an internationally recognized life balance coach, speaker, and president of award-winning Career Strategists whose work has appeared in The New York Times, Good Housekeeping and numerous media outlets. On the faculty of Kripalu Center for Yoga & Wellness, she leads life balance workshops and retreats for Fortune 500 companies such as 3M and IBM, conferences, and organizations worldwide. Thousands of women in ten countries are participating in Personal Renewal Groups based on her first book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. Renee lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband and son. www.ReneeTrudeau.com

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Summer holidays meant spending all day building tree houses and attending club meetings. Well, the current times have changed. Children are driven by technology.

Also, there is more pressure on performnce from schools, so most kids don’t even get time to play. Whatever time they do get is spent watching TV or browsing the internet. There is not much incentive to go outside and get in touch with nature.

This is why imagination is almost disappearing from kids’ lives. What can you do about it? The following points will help you keep your child’s imagination alive and well.

1. Keep Tabs On TV Viewing and Internet Browsing

This doesn’t mean that you completely stop their TV time and internet connection. They are as important to the children of today’s world as videogames were to yours. However, everything is good in moderation.

Let them view their favorite shows but encourage them to do something other than these things. Once they go into their backyard or room, they would definitely find something worthwhile.

Don’t be tyrannical or harsh on them. If you force your child to do something, they would always go the opposite way. Instead, reason with them by putting forth logical arguments that support your statements.

2. Create Your Own Stories

This is a great way for you to inspire your child’s imagination and spend time with them. If your kid loves reading stories, encourage them to make up their own and watch their imagination take flight.

It is important and even healthy to look at the world from brand new eyes and you should encourage your child to do that. Don’t be too conscious if you think that you’re not great at making stories up.

Leave that to your child, you only have to support them where they get stuck. Also, you can make it up by doing voices if your children are young enough to enjoy them. Most importantly, have fun and enjoy the activity, no matter how bad the story turns out to be.

3. Paint

Most children are artists and love to paint or color their thoughts and imaginations. The important thing here is that don’t be critical of what they do, let them imagine what they like.

Even if they paint the sky green instead of blue, let them. But, that doesn’t mean that you berate them if they stick to plain blue either. Just be supportive and let them do whatever they want with the white paper and paint brushes.

If you think that your child has a philosophical bent of mind, encourage it because it can be inspirational. Also, you can visit websites like Quoto to get a quote for every situation to inspire your child.

Most importantly, be patient and don’t try to push your child into doing something they won’t like. After all, it is the time to have fun for them.

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Keeping your child’s heart healthy at an early age reduces his or her risk of developing a cardiac-related disease and other complications such as diabetes, high cholesterol and obesity later in life.

Take an active role in helping your child establish healthy heart habits while they are still young. Here are a few ways to make a huge difference in your child’s life.

Prepare heart-healthy happy meals.

When preparing meals for the children, remember: high in fiber and whole grains; low in trans fat and saturated fat. Include fruits and vegetables as they are high in fiber. Fish is high in Omega 3, which can control cholesterol and protect the heart. The more colorful the plate, the healthier.

Stay away from chips, fast food, packaged food and whole milk dairy products as they are high in trans fat. Also, avoid food which are too salty and too sweet. Instead, use spices to add flavor to the food.

Stick to healthy drinks.

Don’t make soda your staple drink. Go for healthy juices, or better yet, stick to water! Carbonated drinks contain harmful substances that can weaken the cardiovascular system as time goes by. Let them stay hydrated by letting them drink at least six glasses of water a day.

Limit screen time.

With today’s technology, many children get hooked to the TV and computer. Don’t allow the Internet, video games, and television shows take most of your child’s time.

Being sedentary is one of the causes of unwanted weight gain. Limit screen time to two hours a day the most.

Encourage playtime.

Instead of allowing them to play video games, encourage them to engage in physical activities – running, jumping, swimming. Know what games or sports they find fun and enjoyable.

Regular exercise will help your child maintain her weight and lower the chance of developing diabetes. At least an hour of physical activity a day is recommended.

Have cardio family activities.

Plan family outings that involve a lot of physical exertion such as hiking, biking, skiing, swimming, etc. At home, make your child participate in cardio chores like mowing the lawn, taking out garbage, and raking leaves.

This will not only get their little hearts pumping, but will also teach them about responsibility. Of course, you should consider the level of your little one’s strength first.

Enforce good oral hygiene.

Poor oral care can contribute to the development of heart disease. The bacteria on your child’s teeth, gums and tongue can travel down into the bloodstream and eventually into the heart.

Make sure your child brushes her teeth twice a day, most especially before bedtime. Flossing is important as well. Take her to the dentist regularly for dental check ups.

Educate.

Always tell your children the importance of keeping a healthy heart. Tell them why eating fruits and vegetables is important, and why physical activity should be part of their daily lifestyle. Use flashcards or computer applications for a more detailed explanation.

About the author: Melissa Page is a passionate writer and a health buff. She writes for ICan Benefit, a company where you can purchase low-cost medical insurance for children. When she’s not writing, she’s with her friends playing bowling.

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This was a time when schools all around the country would hold annual sports days where an array of activities would be promoted as children competed in 100 metre sprints, egg and spoon races and long jumps.

However in the last 30 years, children seem to have become significantly less active as they sit in front of screens playing computer games for hours on end.

Whilst the gaming industry has been extremely beneficial to the UK economy, the effect on the health of children may not be as welcome as youngsters become more and more addicted to the latest virtual offerings.

Outside play is a fundamental part of a child’s development and the harm caused by the deprivation of fresh air and exercise is something which should never be underestimated.

You might hear people of a certain age comment on how things aren’t like they used to be all those years ago when they were young.

Well these people just might have a point as there is some evidence to suggest that children 30 years ago were much healthier than children today. It is this health issue which is the main driver for promoting physical activity and outside play.

The benefits…

Children who are more active and engage in outside play will tend to have a stronger immune system which means they will be better equipped to fight off diseases such as the common cold and more serious ones such as cancer.

The list of health benefits is significant as children who are more active will have a stronger metabolism and healthy heart and lungs. The active child will also be less prone to diabetes and less likely to become obese which is a serious issue that can lead to other problems as the child gets older and enters adulthood.

Medical experts also state that the positive effect of physical activity extends to all of the major organs, including the brain due to the increased blood flow delivering more nutrients to the cells. Detoxing of the body is also improved as an active child will sweat more which works to naturally cleanse the body of impurities.

There is also a belief that a child who plays out will be a much happier child and would be less likely to suffer from mental health and behavioural issues.

It’s hard not to notice how some youngsters today have become a lot more problematic and disrespectful than previous generations and less likely to conform to traditional discipline.

The mental health benefits are all too apparent as studies have shown that regular exercise will reduce stress, anxiety and promote better moods. Some experts claim that exercise burns off harmful hormones and encourages beneficial ones including neurotransmitters which allow for the development of the memory.

In fact a survey by ‘Naperville Central High School’ in the USA, found that children who utilised the gym activities in the morning doubled their reading scores and got significantly higher scores in their maths tests later in the day.

Being active also enables the children to get a better night’s sleep so that they can wake up alert and ready for the day ahead, fully able to concentrate on all activities.

Unfortunately many schools across the world have seen their physical education classes cut which is a major setback for the continued health of our children.

There is no disputing that outside play and exercise are extremely beneficial to children and it should always be encouraged. If not, the next generation of adults will be left unhealthy and uninspired!

Changes…

While some schools might let children down in providing the outdoor physical activity they require, it can still be encouraged within the home environment.

Families can easily take part in outdoor activities and change their lifestyle, not only is it better for your children, but it encourages well needed family time which is proven to improve behavior.

Some countries such as Norway particularly succeed within this area, while it might be the case that their surroundings provide a rich source for outside activities such as skiing and sledging, no matter where you are based around the world, with some creativity and determination, outdoor play and be enjoyed.

While it is easier to leave your children to sit in front of a computer screen, life is about togetherness and living to the full.

About the author: Kirsten loves anything to do with toys. If you want to find out more, you can read about outdoor games from Letterbox…  

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There are many activities and tools that parents can use to engage their children and get them excited about learning.

Getting Involved

The entire brunt of instilling learning should not only be borne by teachers and educators. There are many ways in which parents can get actively involved in their child’s learning including games, comic books, TV shows and other tools that are traditionally not used in the classroom.

Children are generally not happy to wake up early in the morning and spend an entire day at school. Learning at home should therefore not make them feel like they moved from one classroom right into another at home. Learning should be fun and engaging.

Children, especially the young ones, have little patience for learning. Their attention span is also markedly short, and you therefore need to get tools that make learning interesting for them.

One great idea is to get them books that are specially written for children. Books with colored pictures and audio are especially popular among children, and can get them excited about learning.

Things to look for in Children’s Books

• The first thing is to ensure that the books are specially written for children. Such books are often engaging and contain both visual and audio content to stimulate the child’s interest.

• Affiliated programs for children are also especially interesting and valuable for small children. There are famous titles that you should be looking for. Some of the familiar names include Waybaloo, Peppa Pig and Thomas the Tank Engine among others.

• Feature stories are also a great choice for getting involved in your child’s learning, which make them excited and let them enjoy learning.

• Quizzes, math problems and puzzles are a great way for children to learn while at the same time taking part in fun activities with their parents. This is a great way to instill learning and have some fun at the same time.

• Ensure that the books are captivating, fun and engaging.

Comics and magazines are also a great way in which parents can engage in their child’s learning. The great thing about a comic subscription is that you can expect a comic every so often. The parents can therefore be able to pre-plan their time with their children and have some real fun at the same time.

Another great way to engage your child in learning is to subscribe for comics and magazines under the child’s name. Children get excited when they receive mail specially addressed to them. They will definitely be excited about getting to reading, and feel special as well.

These are just some of the ways in which parents can get involved in their child’s learning. Children are especially impressionable and will commit to learning once it is instilled in them from a young age. It is also a great way for parents to spend time with their children constructively.

Author bio: Peter J. is employed by SolidEssay.com, which is a college essay writing service, where he instructs students on how to write argumentative essay as well as other types of papers correctly. For more information click here.

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Toddlers have a lot of energy and it takes a very innovative and patient parent to help them use all that energy constructively.

Rather than have a showdown with them or have a battle of wills, why not try to distract your toddler? It works every time and if you don’t believe it, try following one of the tips given below –

1. Give Him Toys

When you give him toys to distract him, it should be either new or very interesting. Giving him his old toys is not going to work.

When you are trying to get your toddler away from an out of bounds area, you have to give him something that will not only catch his attention but also hold it.

2. Give Him Stickers

Now, giving him stickers is going to involve some hard work for you later on but if your toddler is bored, hand him a roll of stickers and let him stick them where he wants.

It can be the seats, clothes, his hair or your hair for that matter. Just make sure that these stickers can be removed easily later.

3. Lure Him With Candy

Candies rarely fail to work with kids and sometimes with adults too. It will be a rare toddler who will say no to a candy treat!

If he refuses to come to you, offer him candy or use it as a reward for listening to you or work well done. You can also promise him candy if he listens to you. But keep your word or this tip will not work the next time.

For some kids, for whom candy isn’t tempting enough, 15-20 minutes of their PC games can do the trick. My daughter belongs to this category and loves playing games on CookingGames website.

4. Tempt Him With Food

You will observe that hunger always makes your toddler behave badly. Offer him food to see if he is hungry. If he eats quickly, then your problem is solved. He will settle down quickly now.

But if the temper tantrum continues, try offering him his favorite food. He will be quiet for at least for a short time.

5. Replace One Off-Limit Thing With Another

If you are really desperate, then you can replace one thing that is off limits with another. For example, if he is playing with glass and refuses to give it to you, hand him your cellphone or your keys for the moment.

He will be so thrilled to have your cellphone that he will forget the glass. But keep an eye on him so that you don’t lose them forever.

Parenting is tough, especially when the child gets to the toddler stage. There will be times when you will be at your wit’s end trying to keep him disciplined without being too harsh.

You have to deal with him lovingly but with a firm hand so that he knows who the boss is. If you cave in to his unreasonable demands, remember that getting him to listen to you the next time will be tough.

Toddler Parenting Resources:

• Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the Terrible Twos and Beyond – Whether it’s the Terrible Twos or preschooler problems, learn these critical language skills to reduce parenting stress fast. High quality audio course for stressed-out parents of children aged 2 and above. Created by an expert in NLP and Ericksonian Hypnosis.

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Besides being the bread winner of the family, today being a good father also means having a close relationship with his child or being involved in his child’s life.

A study shows that fathers have a positive influence on their kids. When fathers are engaged with their children, boys have fewer behavioural problems, girls have fewer psychological problems and both show enhanced cognitive development.

A Toast To Fathers

Today, fathers are taking an active role in raising their children. These fathers are developing a warm and close relationship with their children through playing, guiding, teaching and caregiving. Their involvement supports the development of their kids. The transition to fatherhood is a large turning point in a man’s life.

If men are willing to take their relationship with their children, it is among the greatest changes in a man’s life and development as a person. Many fathers today recognise that family life can be rewarding and that their children need their involvement.

It has been proved that fathers who are more involved with their children contribute much to their child’s intellectual, social and emotional development.

Some Tips To Be A Better Dad

1. Spend time with your children

This is the best way to bond with the child. Father can build this bond by spending time and engaging in different activities with his child.

2. Respect your child’s mother

The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love and respect their mother. Both father and mother should work as a parenting team and stand by each others decision.

3. Teach them independence

Teaching the child to be independent is very important for building the self confidence of a child. They should be given freedom and responsibility as they can handle.

4. Be a good role model

Fathers should live the role of the type of person that they want their child to become. They can teach little boys to be real men and little girls what to look for in a man as per Freud’s theory.

5. Get involved in their studies

It is very vital for the fathers to give adequate attention to their child’s study. According to a research, there is a link between parental involvement and academic success.

Psychologist, Eirine Flouri says, “An involved father reads to his child, is interested in his child’s education and takes a role equal to mothers in managing his child”. Children with this type of father were more likely to get good grades in school, she found.

A report out of the University of Connectivut concluded that in matters of substance abuse, depression, behavioural problems and psychological maladjustments, the love of a father plays a more significant role than that of a mother.

Being an involved father supports the development of your kids. Child become just as attached to their fathers as their moms. Attachment provides a life long relationship providing a secure base in the world.

Namita Kandhola, mother to a six year-old daughter, holds a Master’s degree in Psychology and writes parenting articles for The Tribune. She found her inspiration for this from Mrs. Mona Prehar – former Centre Head, Euro Kids, Jalandhar , now an educationist, who was instrumental in bringing her and her daughter closer to each other.

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Child adoption in India is governed by the Personal Law of each community.

The Hindu Adoption and Maintenance Act, 1956 (HAMA):

This Act provides for legal adoption to those of the Hindu faith or religions that have taken birth from Hinduism. Buddhists, Jains, Sikhs, Brahmos and those belonging to the Prarthana, Arya Samaj, Virashaiva and Lingayat faiths are included under this act.

The woman who adopts should be an adult and of ‘sound mind’. If a single woman is adopting a son the age difference between them should at least be 21 years. If she is however adopting a girl child this age gap restriction doesn’t apply.

The Act allows the adoptive parent to have just one boy child and one girl child. The law makes no distinction whatsoever if the child she may have at the time of adoption is born to her or adopted.

Under this Act the child who is being adopted should be a Hindu and below fifteen years, unless there is a custom or usage applicable to the parties which permits persons who have completed the age of fifteen years being taken in adoption. Under this Act the adopted child has the same rights as the biological child as far as inheritance to parental property is concerned.

The Guradian And Wards Act, 1890 (GWA):

Non-Hindus (Christians, Muslims, Parsis and Jews) and foreign nationals can adopt under this Act. Foreigners obtain the guardianship of an Indian child who will later be adopted in accordance to the adoption law prevailing in their country. A person can take the guardianship of any number of children of either gender under this Act.

This act has been designed to appoint a guardian for the child rather than substitute his birth parents. Unlike a child adopted under the Hindu Adoption and Maintenance Act, the child adopted under the Guardian and Wards Act can’t take the family name or inherit parental property.

The adopted child can’t avail of the same status as a child born biologically to the family under this Act. The legal guardian-ward relationship exists till the child becomes a major. In practical terms the child may however be able to enjoy the status of an adopted child by receiving inheritance by the way of a will.

The Guardian and Wards Act has been made as the personal law of Muslims, Parsis and Jews don’t formally recognize adoption. Initially Christians weren’t legally allowed to adopt.

However according to the new interpretation given by two High Courts in the country of the personal law governing Christian adoption, legal adoption of a child is now possible for Indian Christians.

Christians under the Guardian and Wards Act have the right to petition the court to adopt the child two years from the date on which the guardianship order was passed.

The Juvenile Justice (Care and Protection of Children) Act 2000:

This Act provides for adoption as one of the options for rehabilitation and social integration of the children in need of care and protection. This Act offers the placement of the child in a permanent substitute family through the legal process of adoption.

Adoption according to this Act means ‘taking permanent custody and responsibility of a juvenile or a child covered under this Act who shall have pari passu rights of a natural born child.’ Under this Act a person can adopt any number of children of either gender.

Unfortunately not many people are adopting under this Act. Child Right Activist Anjali Pawar Kate, Director of Pune based NGO Sakhee, working on child trafficking for adoption issues, explains why, “Adoption under the Juvenile Justice Act is very complicated and lengthy. That’s why adoption agencies prefer the other two acts that they have already been using for many years”

The adoption procedure:

The majority of adoptions in India take place through adoption agencies. Adoptive applicants are first asked to register with the agency. A nominal registration fee is charged.

In the application form you need to fill in basic information like your name, age, education, occupation, income and the preferred age and gender of the child you want to adopt. A single woman who wants to adopt an infant shouldn’t be more than 45 according to CARA guidelines. You need to get a police clearance for the adoption agency to allow you to adopt.

A series of interviews will be taken of the prospective adoptive parent. Her family, friends, relatives, family physician and priest may also be interviewed if felt necessary.

Health check:

Evidence should be provided to clearly prove that the prospective adoptive parent is in good physical and mental health and free from communicable diseases. HIV and Hepatitis B tests are done.

The adoptive parent shouldn’t be suffering from a health problem which may act as a hindrance to raise the child. This however doesn’t mean that any health problem will instantly debar you from adopting. For instance diabetes which is under control or a previous surgery shouldn’t necessarily disqualify you from adopting.

Home-study:

The adoption agency will conduct a home study to ascertain whether you’ll be able to give the child a loving and caring home. The prospective adoptive parent’s home environment and neighbourhood are studied.

Are the family members supportive of adoption? Is the neighbourhood safe and conducive to raising a child? Is she financially solvent to raise a child?

The adoption agency will try to ascertain your personality and lifestyle through observation and interviews. You may be asked to describe a day in your life to help the adoption agency to ascertain if you are suitable to raise a child.

You may be asked to state your likes and dislikes and how you have coped with stressful situations in your life. Have you sailed smoothly through ups and downs in life? Or do you have weak coping skills and low EQ?

Your motivation for the acceptance of adoption will be carefully explored. Most importantly are you adopting just to fulfil your needs or for the sake of the child?

After all for adoption agencies the well-being of the child is the primary concern. If you are adopting a child as you think he/ she will ‘solve your life’s problems’ like loneliness and boredom, you may have to undergo counselling to modify your thinking.

Through the home study you are explained what raising an adopted child requires of you. Faulty notions of adoption and replaced with authentic factual information.

Selecting a child:

If the home-study has deemed you eligible for adoption, the process of selecting a child begins. You are not taken to a nursery full of children to choose a child for yourself.

The adoption agency will show you one child at a time. They will select a child who they think is suitable for you. Data like the age, health details and social background of the child will be shared with you before showing you a child.

Some adoption agencies will show you the photograph of the child before actually showing him/ her to you.

Mal-practices by adoption agencies while selecting a child for you:

Advocate of the Mumbai High Court, Uday Prakash Warunjikar points out, “The demand and supply ratio of adoption shows an imbalance. The demand greatly exceeds supply. Because of this adoption houses have started giving preference to certain candidates.”

Anjali Pawar Kate adds, “Unscrupulous adoption agencies make rich candidates pay more than the stipulated adoption fees in exchange of a fair-complexioned, healthy and good looking baby.”

Make sure that you don’t pay a rupee more than the adoption fee fixed by CARA. For Indian adoption (in country adoption) it is maximum Rs 15,000, for foreign adoption (inter country adoption) it is maximum $ 3500.

Don’t make looks a criteria for adopting a child:

Psychologist Dr.Sanjoy Mukherji cautions prospective adoptive parents against making the looks of the child a parameter for selection. He says, “Please don’t go by the looks of the child. For instance just because you are fair you don’t have to adopt a fair child.”

“Rather than trying to find a child who matches your looks, try to see if your vibration matches with the child. Especially if you are adopting an older child try to ascertain if the personality of the child suits you.”

“It is the soul match that matters. Ultimately the child as well as the people around you will know that the child is adopted; hence, the looks should not be the criterion at all. Give the child so much of love that even someone’s own child may not get.”

Adopting an older child:

There is a long queue for adopting babies. Some candidates just have to wait on endlessly for adoption. Older children have fewer takers. So if you go for an older child, adoption may be a faster process for you.

Sometimes you may be dissuaded from adoption an older child as it is believed that as older children ‘come with a lot of emotional baggage’ it’ll be difficult for them to adjust easily to your home, family and lifestyle. Bonding surely takes longer with an older child but please do remember that people have adopted and successfully raised older children.

Arrange for several preliminary meetings for longer and longer periods till an older child is comfortable with you. The adoption agency may allow you to take out the child for outings and even night stays at your home. Try to win over the confidence and trust of the child.

An older child has the right to choose whether he wants to be a part of your family. In the case of placement of a child above six, both written and verbal consent must be obtained from the child.

The child should be freely allowed to express his views of being separated from his familiar institution and being reintegrated into a family. His institute’s social worker needs to assure him/ her that he/ she will keep in touch as long as he/she needs to.

You may find that a child who was quiet and polite in the institute is having behavioural problems like temper tantrums, disobedience, loss of appetite, bed-wetting and poor performance in school. Please don’t worry. Visit a child psychologist who will guide you how to handle this.

Adopting a special child:

The reason for adopting a special child should never be to show off to society how noble you are. Nor should you adopt a special child because you pity him/ her. Rather it should be a pure act of love.

Special needs children seem to be the hardest ones to place in adoption. So adoption agencies sometimes try to coerce prospective adoptive candidates to adopt a special needs child.

Please don’t adopt a special needs child if you aren’t prepared for it. Adoption agencies don’t have the right to make you feel guilty if you don’t want to adopt a special needs child.

Special needs children require extra time, energy and money to be raised as compared to children without disabilities. They also need extra love, patience, compassion and strength. You need to update yourself on the disability the child has and train yourself to be able to handle it.

Adoptions within the family:

In India unlike certain foreign countries it is not the norm to advertise in newspapers or magazines if you want to adopt a child. Most adoptions are done through adoption agencies. However adoptions within the family also take place. Many families feel that rather than giving up a child to a stranger they should rather place the child with a relative.

Can you adopt a child from a foreign nation?

Foreigners adopt children from India. But can we adopt children from foreign nations including our neighbouring countries? According to Anjali Pawar Kate, “The Hague Convention has categorized India as a ‘sending country’ as far as adoption goes. So Indians can’t adopt children from other countries.”

Adopting from a town:

As queues for adoption from metropolitan cities are long, people are going to small towns to adopt. Adoption agencies in towns may have far shorter queues.

Integrating an adopted child into your life:

Bringing an adopted child home needs intensive preparation. Just painting and decking up a nursery with expensive stuffed toys is hardly a preparation. Buy some toys for your child but you don’t have to convert your whole house into a toy shop.

What is far more important that you locate a paediatrician to look after your child. Make sure that your child is given all the vaccinations.

Buy some basics like baby clothes, furnishings (crib, pram, baby car seat) and baby food. Take leave from work for a while. Find out if your work place gives adoptive parents the same length of leave as birth parents. Ask people who have children to train you in infant care before getting a child home.

Says single mother Sulochana Kalro who adopted a two-year-old boy nineteen years ago, “All the time you need to plan for a very important little member to be added to your family. Before the child comes home you think just of yourself. But after adoption you think of the child too. His/ her health and welfare comes first.”

“You need to make adjustments in your life for the sake of the child. For instance the food you cook for him/ her will be different from the spicy food you normally eat. You need to cut down late hours at work to come home early to spend time with your child.”

Some neighbours and relatives may ask inquisitive questions and make annoying remarks on you adopting a child. Try to stay away from these unpleasant people. Handle them with firmness and maturity instead of getting self-conscious and hurt.

How to tell the child that s/he is adopted:

It is detrimental not to tell the child that s/he is adopted. Many couples sadly don’t have the courage to tell their adopted child the truth. If the child finds out from other sources that s/he is adopted s/he may feel highly betrayed, undergo an identity crisis and try to search for his/her birth parents.

A single woman of course has no other choice but to tell the child that s/he is adopted. After all as the child grows up he/ she will ask why s/he doesn’t have a father.

Jaissita Panigrahi, Managing Trustee of Bal Vikas, advises, “Through stories of adoption from epics and religious texts, children may be acquainted with the concept of adoption. The word ‘adoption’ should often come up during conversations.”

Sulochana Kalro, Managing Trustee of Bal Anand World Children Welfare Trust India adds, “Between age five and six the child should know that he is adopted. This is because the child begins to go to school at this age and meets his peers. Peers won’t be as protective as parents are.”

“In the case of adoption by a single mother peers will start asking the child about his/ her father. Use your wisdom and maturity to tell your child about his birth parents. What you tell a ten-year-old will be different from what you tell a fifteen-year-old about his/ her adoption. You give a teenager a more realistic answer about his birth parents.”

Hansa Apparao, Consultant of the Indian Association for Promotion of Adoption and Child Welfare says, “You can’t hide from the child that he/ she has two sets of parents- one who brought him into the world and the parent who is raising him/ her.”

“Telling the child that he/she is adopted is not a one-time-affair. It is a gradual process that can start early. There is no single way to deal with this. Each child is different, and so are the parents. Important thing is that the parents be comfortable about their adoptive status; and avoid falsehood.”

“At the same time they need to keep in mind their child’s level of understanding and age, when talking about the birth parents. Even though they may go through temporary disturbance, especially during adolescence, most children are able to absorb the sensitive information about the birth parents. A strong bond between the adoptive parent and the child helps in overcoming the challenges.”

Explain to the child that only blood ties don’t make a family. Husband and wife are not related by blood, nevertheless deeply love one another. Similarly an adopted child may be loved just as much as a biological child.

Psychiatrist Dr.Rajiv Anand advises, “Explain to the child that his/ her adoption is just a theoretical reality. You are my child. I am your mother. Not only have I adopted you but you have also adopted me. We are now a happy family. You should never ever give the child the impression that the biological mother deserted her and therefore s/he is a rejected child.”

Rather tell him/ her that his birth mother loved him/ her so that she gave him/ her for adoption so that he/ she would find a happy home to grow up as unfortunately the situation wasn’t conducive to her raising him/ her. If the bond between the adoptive mother and child is strong enough he/ she may never want to go on a search for his birth parents.

Says 21-year-old Siddharth Kalro, the college-going son of Sulochana Kalro who is also a talented artist, “I never thought it was important to find out who my birth parents were. Nor did I ever miss not having a brother or a sister. My mother is my world. She is very sensitive, loving, caring, understanding and hardworking. I feel she is the greatest mom in the world.”

© Loving Your Child

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When you have a child, you need to remember that your kids can now find this information. There’s no such thing as true privacy, because once something is online it’s there forever, even if it’s “deleted” or it’s posted on an account you believe you be private.

To be a great parent, you need to make sure that your web presence is as safe as possible, so that when your kid is old enough to Google you, you can be proud of the results that they find.

How to Prepare Your Web Presence

•  Stop Posting Private Things

I spoke with a young woman awhile back. She was posting rants with numerous expletives about the people she meets, and several photos of her in attractive poses in her bikini. I asked her why she posted these things in public and her answer was “my friends want updates on my life.”

This is the most likely reason that people post private information online, and it’s a misguided one. No one needs to hear the private things that have happened to you in your life, nor do they need to see you in suggestive photos. Maybe they enjoy watching you share this information, but they don’t “need it.”

So stop. Stop posting things that you don’t want your children to read. If you really need to vent, call a close friend or two or vent on the phone. If you want someone to see you looking attractive, invite them over for a romantic night together.

Don’t post pictures of you drinking, smoking, and doing drugs unless you’re okay with your child doing it too. None of these are things that anyone else needs to see or hear in digital form. There are ample more private places to share this information.

• Create a Better Web Presence

There are often things you can’t control. If you broke the law, for example, you can’t clear your record and erase your past from the Internet.

But what you can do is create a professional web presence your child can be proud of. You can do this by keeping everything you do online as clean and professional as possible – this includes your Facebook and Twitter pages.

You can create a professional website or two dedicated to your accomplishments, guest post on relevant websites related to your field of study or your career, or you can register for the types of social media sites that indicate adult behavior, like LinkedIn.

You cannot necessarily prevent your child from finding out information on you, but at least you can improve the general information they see when they search for your name.

• Google Yourself, Delete What You Can

Finally, search for yourself early and often, and see what you can get deleted. Everything you post online stays online. Everything. Even if you delete it, it doesn’t go away.

But if you delete it, you can make it much, much harder for your child to find the information, and that’s still in your benefit. Never assume your child can’t still find it, but at the very least they’ll need to be trying long and hard to get access to any of that cached information.

Maintaining a Healthy Web Presence

There’s a lot that goes into raising your child. Don’t let what you’ve decided to share on the Internet get in the way of all the hard work you put in every day.

Maintain a better web presence so that your child finds encouraging information whenever they Google you.

About the Author:

Ryan Rivera understands the value of a good web presence. He writes primarily about anxiety and anxiety cures at www.calmclinic.com

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Must reading for every parent. Find out why saying “Good job!” creates many negative consequences for your child.

Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child’s birthday party, and there’s one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: “Good job!”

Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together (“Good clapping!”). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

Plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation (“time out”). Occasionally someone will even ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or food. But you’ll have to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called positive reinforcement.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, the point here is not to call into question the importance of supporting and encouraging children, the need to love them and hug them and help them feel good about themselves. Praise, however, is a different story entirely. Here’s why.

1. Manipulating children.

Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they’ve done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Rheta DeVries, a professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, refers to this as “sugar-coated control.” Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes.

It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done — or failed to do.

The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people. The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience.

A “Good job!” to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children’s dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can’t quite explain why.

2. Creating praise junkies.

To be sure, not every use of praise is a calculated tactic to control children’s behavior. Sometimes we compliment kids just because we’re genuinely pleased by what they’ve done.

Even then, however, it’s worth looking more closely. Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us.

The more we say, “I like the way you..” or “Good ______ing,” the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.

Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice (“Um, seven?”).

They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students.

In short, “Good job!” doesn’t reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more.

Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing a child’s pleasure.

Apart from the issue of dependence, a child deserves to take delight in her accomplishments, to feel pride in what she’s learned how to do. She also deserves to decide when to feel that way. Every time we say, “Good job!”, though, we’re telling a child how to feel.

To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary — especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of value judgments is neither necessary nor useful for children’s development.

Unfortunately, we may not have realized that “Good job!” is just as much an evaluation as “Bad job!” The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn’t that it’s positive, but that it’s a judgment. And people, including kids, don’t like being judged.

I cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does something better than she’s ever done it before. But I try to resist the knee-jerk tendency to say, “Good job!” because I don’t want to dilute her joy.

I want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I want her to exclaim, “I did it!” (which she often does) instead of asking me uncertainly, “Was that good?”

Rather than bolstering a child's self-esteem, praise may increase kids' dependence on us.

4. Losing interest.

“Good painting!” may get children to keep painting for as long as we keep watching and praising. But, warns Lilian Katz, one of the country’s leading authorities on early childhood education, “once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again.”

Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a “Good job!”

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were.

Every time they had heard “Good sharing!” or “I’m so proud of you for helping,” they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.

5. Reducing achievement.

As if it weren’t bad enough that “Good job!” can undermine independence, pleasure, and interest, it can also interfere with how good a job children actually do.

Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task – and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.

Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to “keep up the good work” that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks – a prerequisite for creativity – once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.

More generally, “Good job!” is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors.

For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

Once you start to see praise for what it is – and what it does – these constant little evaluative eruptions from adults start to produce the same effect as fingernails being dragged down a blackboard.

You begin to root for a child to give his teachers or parents a taste of their own treacle by turning around to them and saying (in the same saccharine tone of voice), “Good praising!” Still, it’s not an easy habit to break.

It can seem strange, at least at first, to stop praising; it can feel as though you’re being chilly or withholding something. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it.

Whenever that’s true, it’s time to rethink what we’re doing. What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise.

“Good job!” is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.

This point, you’ll notice, is very different from a criticism that some people offer to the effect that we give kids too much approval, or give it too easily. They recommend that we become more miserly with our praise and demand that kids “earn” it.

But the real problem isn’t that children expect to be praised for everything they do these days. It’s that we’re tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done.

When unconditional support is present, “Good job!” isn’t necessary; when it’s absent, “Good job!” won’t help.

If we’re praising positive actions as a way of discouraging misbehavior, this is unlikely to be effective for long. Even when it works, we can’t really say the child is now “behaving himself”; it would be more accurate to say the praise is behaving him.

The alternative is to work with the child, to figure out the reasons he’s acting that way. We may have to reconsider our own requests rather than just looking for a way to get kids to obey.

(Instead of using “Good job!” to get a four-year-old to sit quietly through a long class meeting or family dinner, perhaps we should ask whether it’s reasonable to expect a child to do so.)

We also need to bring kids in on the process of making decisions. If a child is doing something that disturbs others, then sitting down with her later and asking, “What do you think we can do to solve this problem?” will likely be more effective than bribes or threats.

It also helps a child learn how to solve problems and teaches that her ideas and feelings are important. Of course, this process takes time and talent, care and courage.

Tossing off a “Good job!” when the child acts in the way we deem appropriate takes none of those things, which helps to explain why “doing to” strategies are a lot more popular than “working with” strategies.

And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? Consider three possible responses:

• Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be “reinforced” because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.
• Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement (“You put your shoes on by yourself” or even just “You did it”) tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: “This mountain is huge!” “Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!”
• If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: “Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack.” This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing.
• Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking “What was the hardest part to draw?” or “How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?” is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying “Good job!”, as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect.

This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so.

Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life — or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head.

It’s not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positive reinforcement really isn’t so positive. The good news is that you don’t have to evaluate in order to encourage.

© 2001 Alfie Kohn

NOTE: An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title “Hooked on Praise.” For a more detailed look at the issues discussed here, please see the books Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting.

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At some stage between babyhood and toddlerhood, all babies develop a strong urge to assert their autonomy. You will recognize this moment in the first time your baby says “No” when you tell him or her to do something. You will probably find it rather amusing the first time – better steel yourself though.

This is just a sign of things to come. Very soon, you’re likely to find it tiresome being challenged time and again by your little tot, who is standing her ground and refusing to give in on increasing occasions.

Should you establish your authority by overpowering your kid, or should you concede ‘defeat’ in an attempt at keeping the peace? What you choose to do when you come to this crossroad will forever influence the way your child sees you. Do you want your children seeing you as being ‘bossy’ or ‘wimpy’?

If neither of these choices seems terribly attractive, you will need to find another way of dealing with the situation. Here are a few tips on how you can subtly – but deftly – avert a full-blown power struggle at home. All you need is a bit of tact, some craftiness and oodles of patience.

Recognize The Behavior For What It Is

It is important to realise that your child is not being recalcitrant or stubborn. Nor is she being rebellious just to get you all wound up. Well, rebellious maybe… but that’s only because from about the age of two children start developing their own individuality.

They begin forming their own opinions and making their own decisions. Being told what to do and what not to do does not go down very well with them, especially when this is in direct opposition to what they feel they should be allowed to do.

Clash Of The Titans

Does that mean you should allow children to have their own way? Certainly not! The trick lies in being able to side-step the power struggle. You ask your child if she is ready to go indoors. Your child knows she has to go in, but she still says “No”.

She has now thrown down the gauntlet, and it’s up to you whether you want to accept the challenge or not. Remember, though, that every challenge results in one person being the winner and the other one a loser.

is a situation you want to avoid at all costs. Imposing your authority on every occasion will crush her self-esteem. Nevertheless, if you let her get her way every time, you will soon have a tiny little despot who will want her own way every time on your hands.

The Fine Line Between Empowering And Overpowering

The next time you ask your child to do something and your resolute child decides to ‘hold my breath till I explode’ in opposition, try not to explode before your child does.

On the other hand, do not panic and give in immediately, either – even if your child looks hell-bent on carrying out her threat. Don’t let that breath-holding act get to you. Once your child lets out that pent-up steam, she will be fine.

A little tact and patience can help avoid power struggles

You will notice that the breath-holding act will almost always follow an order. Why not change track?

The next time, when you feel your child is likely to throw a tantrum when you ask her to come indoors, brush her teeth or clean up her room, don’t order her to do so. Instead, give her a choice.

Let’s assume your child’s evening schedule includes going out to play for a short while, followed by homework, half an hour of television and then bed.

If she chooses to stay out longer, tell her she will have to forego her favourite TV programme, but that the homework WILL be done.

This way, you give your child the power to choose while still making sure that your rules are not broken. If she throws a tantrum and threatens to ‘hold her breath’ at having to miss her programme, let her!

Most parents make the mistake of giving in at this point, mostly because they are just plain tired of it all by then. Therein lies the problem – children immediately pick up on such weak spots. The next time, you can expect a full-blown power struggle.

How To Give Your Child Choices

When giving choices, you need to ensure that all the choices you offer your child will affect that particular child only, and nobody else. If the whole family is at a restaurant and your child refuses to settle down, you may not want to give her the choice of ‘behaving or leaving the restaurant’.

If she chooses the latter, it would be unfair to the rest of the family. Giving your child the choice of ‘behaving or leaving’ would work great at the dinner table at home, but it would not be appropriate in a restaurant.

The Importance Of Empowering Your Child

Everyone wants to feels powerful, irrespective of age or gender. When you constantly impose your authority with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude, you foster a sense of powerlessness in your child.

All children will react to this in either of two ways – they will either learn to give in constantly and ultimately become meek and submissive, or they will start harbouring a sense of resentment and ultimately revenge.

Neither of these attitudes is healthy or nurturing. What’s worse, these attitudes will, over time, become a habitual trait and that influences how your child deals with her peers right through childhood into adulthood.

It is from the way that you deal with this power struggle that your child will learn to be submissive to every request or rebellious to every order. However, children who subtly imbibe the fine art of negotiation will have picked up a valuable tool that will stand them in good stead in every sphere of life.

© Diana D’Souza is a freelance writer based in Pune.

This article may be reprinted with attribution to the author and a link back to www.lovingyourchild.com

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