When you have a child, you need to remember that your kids can now find this information. There’s no such thing as true privacy, because once something is online it’s there forever, even if it’s “deleted” or it’s posted on an account you believe you be private.

To be a great parent, you need to make sure that your web presence is as safe as possible, so that when your kid is old enough to Google you, you can be proud of the results that they find.

How to Prepare Your Web Presence

•  Stop Posting Private Things

I spoke with a young woman awhile back. She was posting rants with numerous expletives about the people she meets, and several photos of her in attractive poses in her bikini. I asked her why she posted these things in public and her answer was “my friends want updates on my life.”

This is the most likely reason that people post private information online, and it’s a misguided one. No one needs to hear the private things that have happened to you in your life, nor do they need to see you in suggestive photos. Maybe they enjoy watching you share this information, but they don’t “need it.”

So stop. Stop posting things that you don’t want your children to read. If you really need to vent, call a close friend or two or vent on the phone. If you want someone to see you looking attractive, invite them over for a romantic night together.

Don’t post pictures of you drinking, smoking, and doing drugs unless you’re okay with your child doing it too. None of these are things that anyone else needs to see or hear in digital form. There are ample more private places to share this information.

• Create a Better Web Presence

There are often things you can’t control. If you broke the law, for example, you can’t clear your record and erase your past from the Internet.

But what you can do is create a professional web presence your child can be proud of. You can do this by keeping everything you do online as clean and professional as possible – this includes your Facebook and Twitter pages.

You can create a professional website or two dedicated to your accomplishments, guest post on relevant websites related to your field of study or your career, or you can register for the types of social media sites that indicate adult behavior, like LinkedIn.

You cannot necessarily prevent your child from finding out information on you, but at least you can improve the general information they see when they search for your name.

• Google Yourself, Delete What You Can

Finally, search for yourself early and often, and see what you can get deleted. Everything you post online stays online. Everything. Even if you delete it, it doesn’t go away.

But if you delete it, you can make it much, much harder for your child to find the information, and that’s still in your benefit. Never assume your child can’t still find it, but at the very least they’ll need to be trying long and hard to get access to any of that cached information.

Maintaining a Healthy Web Presence

There’s a lot that goes into raising your child. Don’t let what you’ve decided to share on the Internet get in the way of all the hard work you put in every day.

Maintain a better web presence so that your child finds encouraging information whenever they Google you.

About the Author:

Ryan Rivera understands the value of a good web presence. He writes primarily about anxiety and anxiety cures at www.calmclinic.com

Internet Safety Utilities:

• Make Your Child Predator-Proof – 1 in 5 children are Sexually Solicited while on the Internet. Do you know how to keep your kids safe, both online and in person? 90% of the time or more, the predators are KNOWN to kids. Learn how to protect your kids from the advances of predators.
• KidsWatch™ Parental Control Software – Safeguard your child’s’ Internet experience and maximize the efficiency of the time they spend on the computer.
• PC Tattletale – Who’s protecting your child from internet predators, pedophiles, cyber stalkers and online sex offenders, when you’re not there? PC Tattletale offers an all-in-one suite of parental controls & internet monitoring tools to record everything your child does when they go online.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 SEO & More

Parents who have no experience with divorce may be unsure how to proceed. An uncooperative ex-spouse can make parenting with traditional methods seem impossible.

However, a divorced parent can also be a great parent. Using the following five strategies will help you be an excellent parent in spite of divorce.

• Let Your Kids Know that the Divorce Was Not Their Fault

Tell your children that you love them and that the divorce was not their fault. Even if your marriage made your home life miserable, it was still familiar to your child. The changes will probably be upsetting to him.

Children may wonder if you will stop loving them or if they caused the divorce. You must periodically reassure your children that this is not the case in the months following the divorce.

• Be Consistent

It can be tempting to slack off on providing boundaries when you are tired or when you haven’t seen your children in awhile. Yet, children are more secure when parents provide rules and boundaries.

Even if your ex-spouse does not have the same rules, it is okay to lovingly tell your children, “I know your mom does things differently, but when you are here, you must do as I say.”

Your children will eventually adjust to the differences in households, although they may accidentally “slip-up” from time to time. Be sure to give them grace for unintentional mistakes.

• Find a Healthy Outlet for Your Emotions

Divorce will stir up many strange and difficult emotions. You may feel angry, depressed or lonely, particularly when your children are visiting their other parent. To cope with these emotions, some people may overeat, drink excessive alcohol, watch too much television or develop other bad habits.

However, a wise parent will find healthy outlets for emotions. Expect these feelings to come, and have a plan in place to manage them. Instead of eating, perhaps you may want to exercise.

Instead of drinking, you may need to call a friend to talk. Instead of watching television, you may want to take up a new hobby.

• Be An Adult

Even if you feel that your ex-spouse sometimes acts childish, stay calm, and behave in a mature way. Likewise, you should remember that, even if your child seems sophisticated and mature, she is still a child.

Children are unequipped to handle certain information, such as the specifics of your failed marriage or your feelings regarding your ex-spouse. Your child needs to know that he can count on you to behave consistently and maturely.

• Find Ways to Communicate with Your Ex

Even if your ex drives you crazy, you still share at least one child. You are going to have to talk sometimes. Try to stay matter-of-fact and to the point. Make the conversations brief and calm, and try to avoid getting sucked into arguments.

Learn to recognize when your ex is attempting to provoke you into a fight, so that you can make an effort to avoid it. Texting might be a good way of communicating necessary information in an unemotional manner.

Divorce changes so much in a family. In order to be a good parent, you are going to have to learn to adapt to those changes.

Even though your marriage may not have lasted, you still have wonderful children as a result of the relationship with your ex-spouse. Make them a priority in the months following the divorce so that they will be secure, loved and healthy.

About the Author

Scott Morgan is a board certified Austin divorce lawyer who regularly blogs on the subject of divorce and family law. You can read his blog at AustinDivorceSpecialist.com

Divorce Resources:

• Smart Divorce: Parent Happy, Healthy Kids – Outlines a step-by-step holistic approach on how to help your children not to just survive, but thrive. The return of hope to your children’s lives is the greatest gift you can give them. Even if it’s been years since the divorce, it’s not too late to begin the healing.
• The Secret to a Friendly Divorce – The divorce book you want your soon-to-be ex to read. Your personal guide to a cooperative, affordable, and out-of-court settlement. It shows you a surprisingly simple way to discuss money with your soon-to-be ex without stirring up trouble and without making your divorce harder than it has to be.
• How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide – This unique book doesn’t just tell you what to say — it says it for you! Fill-in-the-blank templates show parents how to create a storybook with family photos and history to simplify this tough conversation. With therapist advice. Professionally endorsed.

Image: africa / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 SEO & More

One of the most sensitive and important issues parents have to contend with is the matter of their child’s temperament.

Understanding children and their temperament is one important key to better growing-up development of each child’s personality vis-à-vis the world at large.

Understand Your Child’s Temperament

There is never a better way of knowing your child than understanding his temperament. Doing so means you accept his uniqueness and not your pre-conceived ideas about him before he showed up in your life.

Understanding his temperament will help you in letting go and not blame yourself or your child for situations that are normal as seen from the point of view of your child’s temperament.

Understanding your child’s temperament can help you and your spouse plan strategies to deal with complicated circumstances and situations your child may find himself in. Mild situations need not escalate into major conflicts or difficulties that may cause harm for all parties, especially your child.

You will also understand better how your child learns on his own accord. Experts place fast-adjusting temperaments as those who learn more by doing and practicing. Slower-to-warm temperaments learn by watching and rehearsing internally.

Remember, everyone is different. In this situation, you will learn to forgive yourself and your child after some bad times.

As authorities had expressed before, there are no bad temperaments, only that some are more challenging than others and it is up to you to meet up these challenge. Even the most challenging of situations can be “planned” in some way because it had been understood.

With everybody having their own temperaments, you will have to accept that yours and that of your child might not be great going together at present circumstances.

However, you may want to look at the possibility that your child’s temperament might just work out fine for him out there in the world. It could happen, too, that maybe in the future your lives may work out fine.

• Easy/Flexible Temperament

This child has a generally optimistic outlook, can adapt quickly and is usually positive. He is an easy learner, eats and sleeps regularly (has no trouble sleeping), pleasant and cheerful, And maintains a low-intensity mood.

He can be a crybaby and feels deeply some situations, but he has few significant emotional outbursts. This type comprises about 40% of all people.

• Feisty/Difficult/Spirited

The Feisty/Difficult/Spirited type has about 10% of the population, the opposite of the Easy /Flexible. This child is difficult to nap or feed in regular ways. Moreover, he has irregular bowel movements, and sometimes shows his mastery with some things in general.

He has tantrums, is fussy with things, hard to transition and is often unpleasant in manners and ways. On the other hand, he or she is bursting with energy, gets into mischief, and is capable of exploring anything with great intensity.

This type attracts all kinds of negative things and it is easy to scold, punish or even resent this child with this kind of temperament.

• Slow-To-Warm Types

The 3rd temperament type is aptly called Slow-To-Warm. 15% of the population belongs to this category. Sometimes, these guys are mistaken for shy or highly-sensitive persons (which they sometimes are).

They usually observe a lot on the outside of things before coming in. he or she may have an irregular sleeping, feeding and other personal habits. This child seems to be always enjoying things or doing them at his own sweet pace.

The rest of the population (35%) cannot be categorized or typed into a group with a pervading form of temperament to classify. The only feature they have is that they all have all features of all three temperaments.

In all these temperament types, you will also find yours. Understanding children and their temperaments also includes understanding your own.

Doing so will open your eyes to the many areas where you can connect to that of your child’s, whether you are compatible with each other or not.

© Loving Your Child

This article may be reprinted with attribution to www.lovingyourchild.com

Parenting Tips:

• Self Esteem For Children Today – Awaken self esteem to greater heights.  Is today’s modern lifestyle destroying your child’s self-esteem? Discover how you can boost your child’s self-esteem with immediate results that will amaze you and your child.
• Turnaround – Cure Your Child’s Anxiety – Based on the most effective treatment for child anxiety (CBT), Turnaround uses a story to invite your child to join six other anxious children on an imaginary 10-day camping adventure that teaches them how to break free from their fears.
• Children Bedtime Stories With Music Therapy – Imprint positive thoughts on your child and a deep sense of inner peace. These Bedtime stories with music therapy are designed to relieve anxiety, stress and insomnia in children, gently leading them to a magical world where only love and happiness surround him, in a deep and relaxing sleep.

Image: Phaitoon / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

One thing has not changed.  There are still children that need to be taken care of and homes that need to be tended to.  Balancing home and work life can often be difficult.

The following 12 tips can help working parents juggle all the responsibilities that come with work and parenting children.

• Establish a routine.

A daily routine is essential for working parents.  Children do much better when they know what is going to happen next.  What is your daily routine?  Create a daily schedule for activities.

Include what time you will get up, be out the door, have supper, etc.  This will help your children to function better under the circumstances and help you get everything you need to get done throughout the day.

• Include family time in your routine.

The routine must include family time. This is a time for spending time with each other and reconnecting after a long day. It is essential to a healthy family.

• Reliable childcare is a must.

Things will be much easier on you if you know you have childcare you can trust.  If your children must have care throughout the day, ease your mind by getting reliable care.

• Refuse to bring work home.  

This is hard for some people to do.  Classify work time as time in the office, and home time as time with your family.  This will keep the two totally separated and be very helpful to you.

• Schedule doctor’s appointments on your days off.  

With children come endless doctor’s appointments.  To avoid time off from work, schedule appointments on your days off.  There are many clinics that are catering to working parents by being open for business during the weekend. Take advantage of these.

• Have a good support system.  

Your mom, dad, friends, etc. can help make up a support system that will be very beneficial for working parents.  If you are running late, who will pick up the kids? Make sure you have your support system on standby for times that you may need them.

• Let your boss know that you have a family.

If you don’ t know your boss on a personal level, explain to him that you have a family and that things often get difficult as a working parent.  Bosses are usually in the same situation and are willing help you work through some issues.

• Make your children’s needs a priority.

While working is important, there is no job more important that parenting. Be sure that you are making you children’s needs priority.

• Keep a positive attitude about your job.

A positive attitude can go along ways in parenting your children and completing your daily duties at work.  Don’t let a negative attitude ruin your chances for a promotion.  Keep a positive attitude regardless of how things are going for you.

• Share responsibilities with your spouse.

This is an important suggestion that can make being a working parent much easier.  Realize that if both you and your spouse work, the responsibility of the children must be shared. From feeding to bathing, share it all.

• Opt for take out!  

Don’t feel that you have to go home after a long days of work and slave over a meal for your family to be happy. Many times, they will settle for take-out.  Choose a night of the week to go for pizza and enjoy each other’s company instead of cooking a big meal.

• Find some alone time to sit back and unwind.

After the day is finished, there must still be time for you.  Include a small area of time in your daily schedule to spend reading and relaxing from a long hard day.  This can help reenergize your mind and prepare you for the next day.

Being a working parent isn’t easy.  Its like having two full time jobs. Use the tips listed above to help you be both the best employee and parent that you can possibly be.

Marina is a freelance writer and co-owner of nesting doll store located at MatryoshkaNestingDolls.com

Parenting Guides:

• Creating Hours: Time Management for Busy Parents – Do you wish you had an extra pair of arms and 36 hours in every single day just to get the basics done? Effective time management is all about changing your mindset and embracing time as your best friend. Find a natural, easy way to create more time – without resorting to rigid schedules or having to become Superwoman.
• Yoga Parenting: More Joy, Less Stress – 8-week online course delivered via weekly email. Developed by veteran educator, certified YogaKids Instructor and experienced parents. High quality audio lessons, downloadable material, access to ongoing forum included.
• Great Parenting Show – Discover the amazing parenting techniques that turn your anxious child, angry and argumentative teen and even your fussy baby into a joyously happy, miraculously motivated, and highly successful son or daughter. Jacqueline Green, has been interviewing the top parenting experts from all over the world, covering almost every parenting-related topic imaginable. This 3-month series include some of the top parenting experts covering topics ranging from how to  ensure your preschooler’s success, your toughest discipline issues including sibling rivalry, dealing with bullying, ADD and many more issues.

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

Must reading for every parent. Find out why saying “Good job!” creates many negative consequences for your child.

Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child’s birthday party, and there’s one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: “Good job!”

Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together (“Good clapping!”). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

Plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation (“time out”). Occasionally someone will even ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or food. But you’ll have to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called positive reinforcement.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, the point here is not to call into question the importance of supporting and encouraging children, the need to love them and hug them and help them feel good about themselves. Praise, however, is a different story entirely. Here’s why.

1. Manipulating children.

Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they’ve done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Rheta DeVries, a professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, refers to this as “sugar-coated control.” Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes.

It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done — or failed to do.

The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people. The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience.

A “Good job!” to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children’s dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can’t quite explain why.

2. Creating praise junkies.

To be sure, not every use of praise is a calculated tactic to control children’s behavior. Sometimes we compliment kids just because we’re genuinely pleased by what they’ve done.

Even then, however, it’s worth looking more closely. Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us.

The more we say, “I like the way you..” or “Good ______ing,” the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.

Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice (“Um, seven?”).

They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students.

In short, “Good job!” doesn’t reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more.

Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing a child’s pleasure.

Apart from the issue of dependence, a child deserves to take delight in her accomplishments, to feel pride in what she’s learned how to do. She also deserves to decide when to feel that way. Every time we say, “Good job!”, though, we’re telling a child how to feel.

To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary — especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of value judgments is neither necessary nor useful for children’s development.

Unfortunately, we may not have realized that “Good job!” is just as much an evaluation as “Bad job!” The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn’t that it’s positive, but that it’s a judgment. And people, including kids, don’t like being judged.

I cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does something better than she’s ever done it before. But I try to resist the knee-jerk tendency to say, “Good job!” because I don’t want to dilute her joy.

I want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I want her to exclaim, “I did it!” (which she often does) instead of asking me uncertainly, “Was that good?”

Rather than bolstering a child's self-esteem, praise may increase kids' dependence on us.

4. Losing interest.

“Good painting!” may get children to keep painting for as long as we keep watching and praising. But, warns Lilian Katz, one of the country’s leading authorities on early childhood education, “once attention is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again.”

Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a “Good job!”

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were.

Every time they had heard “Good sharing!” or “I’m so proud of you for helping,” they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.

5. Reducing achievement.

As if it weren’t bad enough that “Good job!” can undermine independence, pleasure, and interest, it can also interfere with how good a job children actually do.

Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task – and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.

Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to “keep up the good work” that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks – a prerequisite for creativity – once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.

More generally, “Good job!” is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors.

For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

Once you start to see praise for what it is – and what it does – these constant little evaluative eruptions from adults start to produce the same effect as fingernails being dragged down a blackboard.

You begin to root for a child to give his teachers or parents a taste of their own treacle by turning around to them and saying (in the same saccharine tone of voice), “Good praising!” Still, it’s not an easy habit to break.

It can seem strange, at least at first, to stop praising; it can feel as though you’re being chilly or withholding something. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it.

Whenever that’s true, it’s time to rethink what we’re doing. What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise.

“Good job!” is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.

This point, you’ll notice, is very different from a criticism that some people offer to the effect that we give kids too much approval, or give it too easily. They recommend that we become more miserly with our praise and demand that kids “earn” it.

But the real problem isn’t that children expect to be praised for everything they do these days. It’s that we’re tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done.

When unconditional support is present, “Good job!” isn’t necessary; when it’s absent, “Good job!” won’t help.

If we’re praising positive actions as a way of discouraging misbehavior, this is unlikely to be effective for long. Even when it works, we can’t really say the child is now “behaving himself”; it would be more accurate to say the praise is behaving him.

The alternative is to work with the child, to figure out the reasons he’s acting that way. We may have to reconsider our own requests rather than just looking for a way to get kids to obey.

(Instead of using “Good job!” to get a four-year-old to sit quietly through a long class meeting or family dinner, perhaps we should ask whether it’s reasonable to expect a child to do so.)

We also need to bring kids in on the process of making decisions. If a child is doing something that disturbs others, then sitting down with her later and asking, “What do you think we can do to solve this problem?” will likely be more effective than bribes or threats.

It also helps a child learn how to solve problems and teaches that her ideas and feelings are important. Of course, this process takes time and talent, care and courage.

Tossing off a “Good job!” when the child acts in the way we deem appropriate takes none of those things, which helps to explain why “doing to” strategies are a lot more popular than “working with” strategies.

And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? Consider three possible responses:

• Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be “reinforced” because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.
• Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement (“You put your shoes on by yourself” or even just “You did it”) tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: “This mountain is huge!” “Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!”
• If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: “Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack.” This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing.
• Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking “What was the hardest part to draw?” or “How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?” is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying “Good job!”, as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect.

This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so.

Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life — or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head.

It’s not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positive reinforcement really isn’t so positive. The good news is that you don’t have to evaluate in order to encourage.

© 2001 Alfie Kohn

NOTE: An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title “Hooked on Praise.” For a more detailed look at the issues discussed here, please see the books Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting.

Parenting Courses:

• Nurturing the Winner & Genius in Your Child – With the right approach and communication strategies, you will be amazed to find that any underperforming, unmotivated child can unleash his full potential and transform into a top achiever instantly. Written by Adam Khoo, a best seller author and peak performance trainer, and co author Gray Lee, a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming™ (NLP) trainer and an MBTI™ accredited facilitator this book will help you understand why children behave the way they do and transform the way you communicate with your children.
• How to Motivate Children in the Classroom – NLP Parenting and Teachers program highlights the strategies and techniques that can be applied to develop positively motivated children or students at home, school or seminar rooms. The practical strategies and techniques include a combination of commen sense judgement and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) techniques to enrich and motivate kids and students in school, home and social interactions right through to their adult lives.
• Free Telesummit: What The Experts Know on Learning and Education – Learn from some of the greatest experts in the field of human development and learning. Are you aware, that those children with the most specialized talents are the ones with the highest risk of failing in school? Are you aware, that children with “special needs” might also be children with special gifts? Our world and our children are desperately in need of a new model. You are in for an eye-opening adventure of new ideas to make that old paradigm for our schools obsolete and thereby help bring out the true genius that resides within each and every child.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

At some stage between babyhood and toddlerhood, all babies develop a strong urge to assert their autonomy. You will recognize this moment in the first time your baby says “No” when you tell him or her to do something. You will probably find it rather amusing the first time – better steel yourself though.

This is just a sign of things to come. Very soon, you’re likely to find it tiresome being challenged time and again by your little tot, who is standing her ground and refusing to give in on increasing occasions.

Should you establish your authority by overpowering your kid, or should you concede ‘defeat’ in an attempt at keeping the peace? What you choose to do when you come to this crossroad will forever influence the way your child sees you. Do you want your children seeing you as being ‘bossy’ or ‘wimpy’?

If neither of these choices seems terribly attractive, you will need to find another way of dealing with the situation. Here are a few tips on how you can subtly – but deftly – avert a full-blown power struggle at home. All you need is a bit of tact, some craftiness and oodles of patience.

Recognize The Behavior For What It Is

It is important to realise that your child is not being recalcitrant or stubborn. Nor is she being rebellious just to get you all wound up. Well, rebellious maybe… but that’s only because from about the age of two children start developing their own individuality.

They begin forming their own opinions and making their own decisions. Being told what to do and what not to do does not go down very well with them, especially when this is in direct opposition to what they feel they should be allowed to do.

Clash Of The Titans

Does that mean you should allow children to have their own way? Certainly not! The trick lies in being able to side-step the power struggle. You ask your child if she is ready to go indoors. Your child knows she has to go in, but she still says “No”.

She has now thrown down the gauntlet, and it’s up to you whether you want to accept the challenge or not. Remember, though, that every challenge results in one person being the winner and the other one a loser.

is a situation you want to avoid at all costs. Imposing your authority on every occasion will crush her self-esteem. Nevertheless, if you let her get her way every time, you will soon have a tiny little despot who will want her own way every time on your hands.

The Fine Line Between Empowering And Overpowering

The next time you ask your child to do something and your resolute child decides to ‘hold my breath till I explode’ in opposition, try not to explode before your child does.

On the other hand, do not panic and give in immediately, either – even if your child looks hell-bent on carrying out her threat. Don’t let that breath-holding act get to you. Once your child lets out that pent-up steam, she will be fine.

A little tact and patience can help avoid power struggles

You will notice that the breath-holding act will almost always follow an order. Why not change track?

The next time, when you feel your child is likely to throw a tantrum when you ask her to come indoors, brush her teeth or clean up her room, don’t order her to do so. Instead, give her a choice.

Let’s assume your child’s evening schedule includes going out to play for a short while, followed by homework, half an hour of television and then bed.

If she chooses to stay out longer, tell her she will have to forego her favourite TV programme, but that the homework WILL be done.

This way, you give your child the power to choose while still making sure that your rules are not broken. If she throws a tantrum and threatens to ‘hold her breath’ at having to miss her programme, let her!

Most parents make the mistake of giving in at this point, mostly because they are just plain tired of it all by then. Therein lies the problem – children immediately pick up on such weak spots. The next time, you can expect a full-blown power struggle.

How To Give Your Child Choices

When giving choices, you need to ensure that all the choices you offer your child will affect that particular child only, and nobody else. If the whole family is at a restaurant and your child refuses to settle down, you may not want to give her the choice of ‘behaving or leaving the restaurant’.

If she chooses the latter, it would be unfair to the rest of the family. Giving your child the choice of ‘behaving or leaving’ would work great at the dinner table at home, but it would not be appropriate in a restaurant.

The Importance Of Empowering Your Child

Everyone wants to feels powerful, irrespective of age or gender. When you constantly impose your authority with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude, you foster a sense of powerlessness in your child.

All children will react to this in either of two ways – they will either learn to give in constantly and ultimately become meek and submissive, or they will start harbouring a sense of resentment and ultimately revenge.

Neither of these attitudes is healthy or nurturing. What’s worse, these attitudes will, over time, become a habitual trait and that influences how your child deals with her peers right through childhood into adulthood.

It is from the way that you deal with this power struggle that your child will learn to be submissive to every request or rebellious to every order. However, children who subtly imbibe the fine art of negotiation will have picked up a valuable tool that will stand them in good stead in every sphere of life.

© Diana D’Souza is a freelance writer based in Pune.

This article may be reprinted with attribution to the author and a link back to www.lovingyourchild.com

Parenting Courses on Discipline:

• Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the Terrible Twos and Beyond – Whether it’s the Terrible Twos or preschooler problems, learn these critical language skills to reduce parenting stress fast. High quality audio course for stressed-out parents of children aged 2 and above. Created by an expert in NLP and Ericksonian Hypnosis.
• Behavior Breakdown Solutions: Control Temper Tantrums In Older Children – An e-book and audio package that offers non-punitive solutions to such destructive behaviors as lying, stealing, defiance, self-mutilation, encopresis, temper tantrums, and more. Ideal for foster and adoptive parents and educators.
• How to Handle Your Difficult Defiant Teenager – A new revolutionary program that reveals step-by-step how to eliminate your teenager’s disobedience, anger, and rebellion. This program is a downloadable video version of our teen behavior program, for children 12 and older. It will show you how to take care of the problems that you are experiencing with your teenager step-by-step. The problem is that most parents of rude, rebellious, defiant teenagers want to regain control — they just don’t know how. And it seems the harder that you try, the more your teenager “acts-out.” In this program we discuss 79 common problems parents have with their teenagers and you will learn how to handle them all.

Image: Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

Of all the ages kids go through, adolescence is by far the toughest one. Yet, when we are older, we look back on those days rather fondly. The first time we bunked college, the first crush, the first ‘real’ love… and countless other, never-to-be-forgotten ‘firsts’.

After spending years in their parents’ care, children on the teenage threshold start experiencing life in new colours. Suddenly, everything seems new and exciting. However, the excitement and the newness are coupled with an existential crisis and some hallmark questions:

• “Who am I?”
• “What am I doing here?”
• “Is this what I want?”
• “Why doesn’t anybody understand me?”

The Classic Plot

All parents who think their kids have magically transformed into mini-monsters as soon they have hit their teens need to read the above paragraph again. We were teenagers ourselves once, and we went through the same angst that our children now experience.

Yet, times have changed – and so has the face of rebellion. Anita Sharma, now 62, remembers stealing mangoes from a neighbour’s farm as a teenager. Her younger sister Usha, now 55, remembers talking with a ‘boy’ at school – a strict no-no back then.

Ravi Iyer, now 40, remembers bunking college and watching ‘English’ movies. Today, cell phones and micro-minis are newest forms of non-conformity. It’s almost like a Shakespearean plot that has been redone and rewritten hundreds of times while the beginning, middle and end remain constant.

• Sapna Shah, parent of a 13-year-old says, “My daughter has changed a lot. She used to be a quiet child. Nowadays, she has become stubborn and adamant. She gets angry very often, and sometimes I don’t know how to handle her!”
• Rama says his 15-year-old son is too demanding, and he resignedly gives in most of the time.
• Divya, parent of a 14-year-old says, “No matter how much you try, they will do what they want to do. I mostly leave it to God, since I know I can’t do anything about it.”
• Kumar, father of a 16-year-old says, “My son spends most of his time in front of the mirror, applying face creams and styling his hair. I don’t understand what is up with him!”

The story is pretty much the same in most households. It often seems like a boxing ring, with parents on one side and teenagers on the other.

The ‘Mother Bird’ Theory

Dr. Minnu R. Bhonsle, a psychotherapist and counsellor associated with the Heart To Heart Counselling Centre in Mumbai, says, “Puberty, also called the ‘Age of Reason’, is when we start questioning the rules handed down to us by adults.”

“This period of existential crisis is natural – when a child attains puberty, he or she is basically ready to reproduce and ensure the continuity of life. The questioning and self-enquiry is a part of becoming self-dependant and able to shoulder the implied responsibility.”

In India, the parents-children bond is extremely strong – by habit, culture and emotions, parents find it difficult to let go of their little ones. Worse still, they subconsciously believe that their offspring never grow up.

15-year-old Naina says, “What’s the big deal about being an adolescent? I don’t like it! My parents don’t understand me. My mother scolds me in front of others. I wish they would treat me like a big girl.”

Most parents view adolescence as an unfortunate occurrence. For many years, they made the rules and their children obeyed unquestioningly.

Now, however, their children have the mental capacity to question these rules – and their parents need to present clear, logical reasoning for them. This makes them uncomfortable, and they see it as a rebellion.

Dr. Bhonsle says, “We need to think of the mother bird that pecks the fledgling to leave the nest. Although it hurts the fledgling for a while, it is important for its autonomous existence – so that it can fly off and make its own little nest.

However, we never seem to want to retire from parenting – this makes our children dependent on us. They grow up to be mamma’s little boys and papa’s little girls. Later on, this even affects their married lives.”

What we need is a change in attitude – from an autocratic way of thinking to a democratic one.

“If the general home environment is more autocratic than democratic and children do not have the freedom to say, think and do things they like, a rebellion is natural,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

“Instead of seeing our teens as rebels without a cause, we should welcome this change and allow the process of questioning. It helps them grow into psychologically autonomous adults.”

Putting teenagers (and, in fact, all children) in a situation where they cannot ask questions and must conform instead is a serious parenting mistake.

Arun Noronha, now 31, remembers being very confused as a teenager. “I could not figure out if was an adult or a child! When it came to household chores, my parents would tell me that I was a ‘big boy’. But whenever I would place uncomfortable queries, they would say that I was too young to be asking such questions! Although I can laugh at it now, I remember being highly frustrated back then…”

Most parents would argue that their teens’ demands are unrealistic – but doesn’t realism come with age? Consider 14-year-old Dhruv, who gets fired by his mother for long phone calls. “I love talking to my friends. I cannot share the same things with my family. Why don’t they understand?” he asks.

A few parents we spoke to said that they try hard to communicate with their children, but are unable to. Dr. Bhonsle believes that if a communicative environment was not encouraged in earlier childhood, kids will need time to start talking. This is why it is crucial that they be treated as ‘mini-adults’ right from childhood.

Dr Bhonsle explains, “Healthy parenting is about listening to their views patiently and then voicing your own views. Your views should be accompanied by correct logical explanations and evidence. Once you have put your opinions on the table, let the child process them and decide for himself.”

Of course, in case of bigger issues such as drugs, stealing and addictions, parents should see a counsellor and take family therapy. Also, parents have the benefit of experience.

We know what our children will go through once they hit their teens. We can therefore inform and educate them about the changes that their bodies and minds will go through and make the transition easier for them.

Besides, they will also realise that we, as parents, can understand and relate to their situation. When teenage arrives, they can then consider us friends, not enemies. It is also significant that parents often tend to pass on their own unresolved issues to their children.

As Dr. Bhonsle says, “Sometimes, parents are emotional kids themselves – their own angst and unhealed areas need to be fixed first. If the parents as a couple have issues themselves, their children may ‘play them off’ against the other. They will also look for external sources of love, wisdom, safety and security – benefits that should ideally provided by the parents.”

In a nutshell, we as parents should understand that these years are exciting, yet difficult for our children. When we treat them as friends, they will reciprocate and help us bridge the communication gap.

Our job is to assist them in becoming mature, responsible adults, so that when they grow up they have as many fond memories of their teenage years. As we do.

This article may be reprinted with the author bio and a link back to www.lovingyourchild.com

Advice For Parenting Teenagers:

• My Out-Of-Control Teen – Audio/Video EBook Plus Online Parent-Coaching For Parents With Out-of-Control Teens. How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change? Learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road.
• No-Nonsense Parenting For Today’s Teenager – How to feel like a good parent even when your teenager hates you. Get your teenager to STOP their abusive or disrespectful behavior, listen to what you say, do what you want them to do & respect you as their parent, while getting peace back in your home.
• Speak Teenager – Win back your son or daughter. I wrote this book from a father’s point of view and not from a psychology point of view. My book is straight and to the point in an easy to understand language. This ebook contains everything you need to know in order to make amends with your son or daughter and become their best friend.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

For some children, the biggest math challenge is becoming interested. The subject can be very boring since children find it difficult to understand, if they cannot understand something they would lose interest on it. But, you as a teacher, can make it different.

• Knowing basic addition and multiplication would go a long way. If your child knows how to add and multiply very well then it fractions and other math problems would not be of a big problem. If your child or your student is showing any sign of difficulty on this field, then make sure that they would be mastering this part first.

• Teaching math does not have to be just numbers. You can use different methods or approaches, math can be illustrated too. So you use different kinds of pictures to illustrate concepts. Children would easily understand if they can visualize it. This would be great if you are teaching fractions, addition, multiplication and other topics.

• Aside from using pictures and images, you could also use or incorporate games into your classes. You can determine a specific date of the week that you would be able to play games to exercise their math knowledge. You can give small gifts or incentives to students who have won. But to do not scold those who do not win, praise them still for their improvements.

• If you find playing games too rowdy and noisy, then another thing that could make math lessons interesting, is by encouraging students to answer a math challenges. You could also give them small incentives for taking part or answering the problems correctly.

• Sometimes, teachers tend to approach formulas in an imposing manner. They would force students to understand and follow the formulas, just explaining its basic concepts. But you could still make it interactive. You can encourage students to interpret and explain the formulas themselves. Let them share their opinions. They could learn a lot from their discussions with each other, compare to when you stay in front of them lecturing about formulas.

• Research is essential. Whether you are a teacher, tutor or parent, there are numerous ways or techniques that you can do to make learning fun for your kids and students. There are numerous books, websites and resources that can help you come up with your own teaching technique and style. Do not just rely on you school textbook.

• Tests and exercises do not have to be boring. You can create a different kind of exam like puzzles, riddles or brain teasers.

To be an effective teacher, you would have to love what you do. For math teachers, you can make the subject interactive, creative and fun if you really love the subject. For example, if you love doing something then it is natural that you would like to improve yourself in that field.

The same applies with teaching. Your love for the profession will manifest on your lessons and how you strive to make your students learn something in your class.

Math Resources for Teachers:

• Making Math More Fun – Imagine the satisfaction that you’d get from seeing your kids math skills soar and their grades in math going up and up. Imagine being able to get kids so engaged with math that they don’t even want to stop even when you ask them to. This ebook will give you an endless stream of different ways to motivate kids so they learn the basics of math.
• The Math Board Games Book: Printable Math Games – Imagine being able to actually have kids begging to practice math and enjoying it while their confidence grows day by day. This new book gives kids math practice the fun way. It contains colorful math board games that get kids enthusiastically practicing basic math skills.
• Vedic Maths Ebook Course: Seriously Simple Sums! – Master multiplication & division. Don’t let your child struggle with maths tables any longer. Watch in amazement as they calculate large sums effortlessly, even in their head.

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

This means they don’t have to be guessing about how their parents will react to something because they always know in advance. You see the rules are clearly defined.

These children display self control more readily and will happily take responsibility because they understand the reasons behind what parents do.

The end result of having good boundaries is that the child reaches a certain level of freedom through this responsibility. The parent will bestow more freedom on the child knowing that they will be able to handle it wisely.

And as a child is given more freedom they begin to take on even more responsibility. Then, when they prove to be trustworthy they achieve even more freedom within limits. And this is the key. Once a child realises this, they can move forward at whatever pace they want in life.

Every child moves at a different rate and some kids do find it difficult to handle freedom and responsibility. That is why you need to deal with each child on their own merits.

My eldest two boys are 16 months apart but my younger one is more responsible than his older brother. So I am obliged to extend more freedom to him because he has earned it.

Think about what happens when a person enters into the work force. It is not the oldest person who gets the promotion but the best qualified person for the job.

Now I never make a big deal of things to my kids, but I will entrust them with the level of responsibility that has been earned by them through their faithfulness or lack thereof.

Help your child be responsible by setting clear limits

Even if it was my 10 year old being the most faithful, she would be given the most freedom, providing she didn’t abuse the privilege.

The bottom line is that when we have good boundaries for our kids this helps negate the need for child discipline and makes life easier for both ourselves and our children.

Copyright © Kim Patrick

Kim Patrick is a Parenting Mentor and Coach, seminar speaker, and author of “Get Your Child To Behave IN 30 Days Or Less”. She is also creator of the famous “Sleeping Angels” series for children.  The Sleeping Angels Downloadable CDs are special CDs aimed at speaking positive messages to your children while they are in bed asleep. See how you can improve your child’s behavior with these astounding messages.

Parenting Resources:

• Positive Discipline Tools For Parents – Positive Discipline is a program designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Based on the best selling Positive Discipline books by Dr. Jane Nelsen and co-authors, it teaches important social and life skills in a manner that is deeply respectful and encouraging for both children and adults.
• FREE Child Discipline Presentation – 3 effective keys to stop misbehavior and get any child to listen. Learn effective ways to handle temper tantrums, disciplining children and getting your child to listen and cooperate without putting up a fuss. An indispensible guide to transforming misbehavior and raising happy kids.
• Growing Up Children – How to get 5 to 12 year olds to behave and do as they’re told. A practical down-to-earth strategy to get your children to do what you want, and love you for doing it.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~Robert Brault

I recently read a list of “101 Things You Should Do If You Are Divorced With Kids” or something like that. It was things like “Don’t ask your kids what happened at your ex’s house” and “Don’t fight in front of your kids”. Advice that is pretty commonsensical. I don’t think most people who are divorced need to be told this, but a reminder never hurts.

There was one thing missing that really bothered me. The list did not include being nice to your ex!

Of course, we all tell our kids that they should be nice to the people in their lives. It is easy to be nice to your friends, it actually comes quite naturally. If you ask most people why they are nice to their friends, they would have a hard time answering. Just like it is difficult to explain how to breathe! We just do it! We rarely have to remind our kids to be nice to their friends.

We sometimes have to remind our children to be nice to new people. For example, when a new kid joins the class we often encourage our children to make the first gesture of friendship. Here the obstacle is, perhaps, awkwardness. But there usually is not a lot of resistance.

So far, we see that it is easy to be nice to someone we like. And it is not difficult to be nice to someone “neutral”. Now comes the more difficult part. The difficult part comes when there is someone we don’t like. Here is the real challenge and here is where the “teaching moment” with our kids comes in.

Yes, you should be nice to the people you don’t like. There are many benefits to being nice to people you don’t like, and the best possibility is that you will eventually like them and they will like you. Perhaps we don’t like them because of a misunderstanding that, once cleared up, can become a point of partnership and friendship.

There are many benefits to being nice to people you don't like

Also, when you are nice to many people, you increase your social circle. Research has shown that having a bigger group of friends has many benefits in health and happiness. Other people will notice your extra effort and will be willing to help you when needed. You can also widen your sphere of influence this way and become the “go to” person.

I am, in no way, advocating that you tell your kids to become a “sucker” for other people. They can actually extend a hand of friendship from a position of strength rather than a position of weakness. They don’t need the other person’s friendship, they are simply offering their own.

Of course, the best way to teach this is to model it for your children. And if you happen to be divorced, there would be so many benefits of acting this way. You would be teaching your children an important lesson, you would be lowering the stress with your ex, and you will truly be improving yourself!

This would truly be win, win, win all around!

© Copyright Shaya Kass, PhD, 2011

Shaya publishes his weekly newsletter for families who want to take their relationships to a whole new level!

Parenting Courses:

• Free Parent Coaching Audio: Connected Parents, Connected Kids – Empower your kids to trust their own intuition and give them the skills to get back in touch with their essence. Teach your kids to stay connected to their own inner wisdom by modeling the importance of getting yourself back in sync.
• The Inspired Parenting Course – Leading-edge parenting tools from the world’s most respected thought leaders and Law of Attraction teachers. Go deep into the exact practices and techniques that parents can use to help children and teenagers overcome challenges, find their purpose and live a happy, thriving life.
• Social .Skills For Kids – Does your child struggle with social interaction – and are you secretly worried, unsure how you can help? Learn the best way to empower your child in overcoming social challenges. Has everything you need to know to help your child improve social skills and win friends for life.

But is there a LIMIT to how intelligent we can become? Can a slow learner truly train himself to become highly intelligent?

Research has shown that with the right methods and enough hard work, everything is possible. It has been calculated that the total number of possible neuro-connections that can be created is ’1′ followed by a series of ’0′s that stretch up to 10.5 million kilometers long!

A human being’s potential intelligence is practically unlimited. This is why scientists have said that the average person uses only less than 1% of their brain’s potential in a lifetime.

Introducing the Left and Right Brain

To know how we can optimize our brain in learning, we must first understand that the cerebral cortex (top & central layers) is made up of two separate hemispheres, commonly known as the left-brain and the right-brain.

The left-brain processes cognitive functions such as verbal and written language, analysis, logic, facts, math, linearity and sequence.

The right-brain on the other hand, is involved in creativity, imagination, daydreaming, colour, rhythm, movement, emotions and holism.

Whole Brain Integration Learning

So, what is the secret in getting our children to focus, concentrate and learn effectively? The answer is in engaging both sides of the brain in the learning process. This method is known as whole-brain integration learning.

When students engage their right-brain (imagination, creativity, rhythm, colour, emotions, movement etc…) in learning, their two brains will create a synergistic effect that taps a lot more of their brain power!

As the same time, learning will become a lot more fun and exciting to them. Let us give you an example of how this can be done. Learning History in a pure left-brain way would simply involve reading the facts from the text over and over again until it is remembered.

How would a student make learning history fun by engaging both sides of the brain? After reading and understanding the facts, the student could draw colourful pictures and diagrams to illustrate the story.

He may even ‘daydream’ and imagine playing the sequence of events like a movie in his mind, seeing the events and hearing the dialogue of the characters. This use of both sides of the brain would make the information ‘come alive’ and boost his brain’s retention power.

© Adam Khoo is a best seller author and peak performance trainer, and co author Gray Lee, a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming™ (NLP) trainer and an MBTI™ accredited facilitator. They will help you understand why children behave the way they do and transform the way you communicate with your children in their new ebook “Nurturing the Winner & Genius in Your Child”.

Educational Resources:

• Make Your Baby Smarter Before Birth In Only 13 Minutes a Day – 7 medical studies prove you can communicate and teach your baby before birth. It’s not only possible to improve your baby’s intelligence before it’s born – but you can help your baby improve in other areas as well. Pre-natal stimulation results in higher IQ, increased learning capability, and advanced motor skills. Find out what to do, how & when to do it in this groundbreaking program.
• Early Loving Early Learning: Loving Ways to Make Your Baby Smarter – Learn amazing secrets about early nurturing that will have lifelong benefits to your baby’s development – without feeling overcome by guilt and stress or having to create a whole new lifestyle.
• Instant Learning® For Amazing Grades – Are you frustrated with your child’s low grades or lack of motivation? Your child’s learning style may not match their school’s written testing style. New discovery about learning styles raises grades and test scores in just 14 days.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More

How do you nip escalating fights over power in the bud? In part two of our series, James shows you three powerful techniques for defusing defiant power struggles.

“Remember, when you engage in an argument with your child, you’re just giving him more power.”

How do you know if you’re entering into a power struggle with your child? Any time you’re asking your child to do something and he’s refusing to comply – when you find him “pushing back” against the request you’ve given or the rules you’ve set down – you’re in a struggle.

If the push for power is appropriate, you should be able to sit down with your child and talk about it in a fairly reasonable way. If it escalates into an argument or fight, you are in a defiant power struggle – and make no mistake about it, parents need effective ways to dial that back immediately.

In my opinion, defiant power struggles between parents and children have become more common in recent years. I believe this is a direct result of the glorification of power we see all around us: on television, in music, in politics, in the movies. In our culture, kids are taught from early on that power – and brute force – will get them what they want.

As a result, we see a lot of kids who don’t know how to solve social or functional problems constructively. A social problem is “How do I get along with others?” And a functional problem is, “How do I meet my responsibilities without getting into trouble?”

So if your child has not learned to solve these types of problems, he’ll refuse to do his chores by throwing a tantrum. Or when he gets older, he’ll say mean things to you and tell you it’s none of your business when you ask him to comply with a family rule. If the defiance becomes more entrenched, he might try to intimidate you physically to get you to “back off.”

If your child is trying to draw you into these kinds of defiant power struggles, realize that he needs to develop more appropriate problem solving skills as soon as possible. Kids who use this type of behavior to get their way are headed down a dangerous path that only leads to serious difficulties later in life.

The good news is, there are real and effective things you can do besides going to war with your child.

Avoid the Fight: Don’t Attend Every Fight You’re Invited to

A key skill I teach parents to use when they are confronted with a child who wants to drag them into a fight is the technique of “Avoidance”. Think of it this way: when you engage in an argument with your child, you’re just giving them more power. In effect, you’re increasing your child’s perception that they have the power to challenge you.

Even if that perception is false it still carries a lot of weight. Why is that? Because your child often doesn’t realize that this empowerment they’re feeling is not real. The danger here is that the more powerful they think they are – and the more defiant behavior gets them what they want – the more they will use it as a shortcut to solve their problems.

Make no bones about it, parents have to make every effort to learn how to manage this type of behavior in their kids. I’m not saying this is easy – in fact, I believe it’s one of the most difficult lessons parents have to learn. And the lesson is, “How can I let my child mature, individuate and become appropriately empowered with the least amount of fights possible?”

Remember that genuine empowerment comes from the development of appropriate life skills, such as communication and learning how to meet responsibilities — and developing age-appropriate problem-solving skills.

As a parent, it’s easy to slip into a fight with your child over small and large issues: power struggles can occur over everything from refusal to pick up dirty laundry to how late your child is allowed to stay out on the weekends.

But I tell parents they don’t have attend every fight they’re invited to. That’s my way of saying that you don’t have to get involved with every fight each time your child begins to escalate. You can just declare victory and walk away.

So next time your child tries to draw you into a defiant power struggle over something either minor or major, just say, “We’ve discussed what is going to happen. I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” and leave the room.

When you leave, you take all the power with you – you just suck it out of the room, and your child is left yelling at a blank wall. Know that the more you engage your child in an argument, the more power you’re giving him. So again, just walk away and declare victory.

Don't attend every argument you're invited to

Give Your Child a Choice

I recommend that parents give kids some choices around their responsibilities when possible. So if there’s an issue around doing chores or homework, for example, a good way to avoid a power struggle is to offer some options.

During summer, you might say, “You can start your chores when you get home from day camp or other activities, or you can wait till I get home. You can text message all you want between 3:30 and 5:30 and then do them when I get home. Or you can do them between 3:30 and 5:30 and then text message during your free time at night. So decide when you would rather be text messaging, talking on the cell phone, or going on the computer: between 7:00 and 8:30 p.m. or between 3:30 and 5:00 p.m. Those are your choices.”

That’s when you put the responsibility on your child to make choices about how they’re going to spend their time. I think you have to learn how to present these things in a way which makes it your child’s responsibility to complete his tasks. When the choice is, “When do you want to instant message? Now or later?” you’re establishing a structure and giving them some appropriate power.

This teaches your child good problem solving skills, because he’s looking at his choices and picking the best one. In my opinion, that skill is the most important thing a child can learn as he develops; there is nothing more positively empowering than learning problem solving skills.

The Key to Increasing Your Child’s Autonomy Wisely (And the 4 Little Questions You Should Always Ask)

Remember, with every increase in autonomy for your child, there should be an increase in responsibility and accountability. For instance, let’s say your child wants to stay up till nine o’clock at night instead of eight o’clock.

You decide that staying up an hour later isn’t going to interfere with your child’s need for sleep and that he’s old enough to handle the later bedtime. So you both reach a compromise of 8:30 p.m. to see how that goes.

Most parents will think the case is closed at this point – but if you leave it there, I don’t believe you’ve done enough to teach your kid how to solve problems.

You need to make clear to your child how you expect increased responsibility with increased autonomy. So I think the end of any conversation that centers around a change or an increase in power has to include these four questions:

1. How will we know it’s working?We’ll know staying up later is working if you still get up on time in the morning.

2. How do we know it’s not working?If you have a hard time getting up on time and don’t have energy during the day.

3. What will we do if it’s not working? We’ll go back to the old time, 8:00 p.m.

4. What will we do if it is working? We’ll continue with this new bedtime.

Those four questions are really important, because what they say is, “If you want to stay up later, how will we know that it’s okay? Because you’ll still meet your responsibilities.” What’s the accountability piece? “What are we going to do if it’s not working? We’re going to return to the earlier time.”

By the way, if it’s not working, parents should not give a consequence. Just say, “It’s not working because you’ve had a hard time getting up. No hard feelings. We’ll try it again in 30 days.” The chance to increase autonomy doesn’t stop forever for your child, so he or she is still able to earn more independence later.

You can say, “We’re going back to bedtime at eight o’clock and then in 30 days, let’s sit down and talk about it again. Meanwhile in those 30 days, get your rest, practice what you need to do and then we’ll take another shot at it.”

That’s how negotiations are supposed to go. They are carried out through the use of proposals, compromises and ways of measuring outcomes to make sure everyone is doing what they agreed to do.

Understand that all these gradual gains in power for your child are really rungs on a ladder that leads to independent functioning, or adulthood. And what you want your child to know at the top of the ladder is how to solve social problems and functional problems, how to get along with other people and how to live the right values.

So remember, even though it’s quite possibly the most difficult balance we have to maintain as a parent, we don’t want power struggles to go away. We don’t want limits and limit testing to go away. Rather, it’s the way kids push that’s important.

Think of it this way: If children don’t get engaged in power struggles with their parents, they won’t learn how to advocate for themselves later in life. So what we want to focus on are the techniques they should use. And the appropriate techniques are ways to say, “Mom, I don’t like this, can we talk about it?” Or “Dad, I don’t think you understand what I mean, can we talk about it?”

Obviously, the expectation is for parents to be willing to sit down with their kids and talk about it. Nothing ensures a power struggle like your child’s belief that he can’t talk to you reasonably about something.

I think when times are good, it’s important for parents to sit down with children and say, “When you don’t agree with me, this is how we should handle it.” Invite them to talk to you about it.

At the end of that conversation remember to say, “Whatever decision is reached, it’s going to have to be acceptable. I’m not going to keep arguing with you. I’m just going to walk away.”

This is a good way for you to establish the ground rules around challenges to your authority, and to make sure that those challenges are appropriate. Plainly and simply, if your child doesn’t push boundaries or tests limits, they won’t be adept at living in the adult world.

They won’t develop the problem solving skills of negotiation, compromise and sacrifice in a way that empowers them and prepares them to solve real life problems. And I believe that’s one of our main goals as parents – to empower our kids appropriately so they’re able to navigate independently in the adult world.

Avoiding Power Struggles with Defiant Children Declaring Victory is Easier than You Think reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com

Parenting Courses:

• How to Handle Your Difficult Defiant Teenager – A new revolutionary program that reveals step-by-step how to eliminate your teenager’s disobedience, anger, and rebellion. This program is a downloadable video version of our teen behavior program, for children 12 and older. It will show you how to take care of the problems that you are experiencing with your teenager step-by-step. The problem is that most parents of rude, rebellious, defiant teenagers want to regain control — they just don’t know how. And it seems the harder that you try, the more your teenager “acts-out.” In this program we discuss 79 common problems parents have with their teenagers and you will learn how to handle them all.
• How to Improve Your Child’s Behavior – Teach your difficult or defiant child better behavior. Is your child’s bickering, tantrums, and defiant behavior embarrassing you, destroying your home, and making you feel like a failure as a parent? Get the definitive program on how to teach your difficult child better behavior and to help you become a more effective parent.
• My Out-Of-Control Teen – Audio/Video EBook Plus Online Parent-Coaching For Parents With Out-of-Control Teens. How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change? Learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 SEO & More